sometimes, though it is rare I am still sad

I don't think that I like to admit this and I don't tell anyone because I want to be strong and not be vulnerable but I am sad that I don't get to raise you and see you grow into the man you become. I think I distance myself a little so I don't get hurt and I do it to protect myself and it seems you don't really care about me. Now that I have my own children that I am raising it brings perspective to me, positive and negative.

I also don't like to think about hurting your mom and dad's feelings or anyone that is yours.

Today I was making a christmas gift for my husband and I saw things that were from you and your family around placement and it brought memories of feelings and memories of you... It is so unique and hard to describe but I do and will forever pray and hope for all things great to happen to you, just as I do for my sweet kiddos who sleep a few feet from me.

I was writing about how it was hard that first year after you were born... It was HELL. It was GOOD. It was so many things. I can't even explain.

I don't like to dwell on that but I just want you to know. you are still missed and still I know you are where you are MEANT and supposed to be. I have no doubts on that because it was so strong with my soul and God.

I want to end this weird feeling with my feelings of God, our Heavenly Father who loves us so much. I have never felt more connected to Him then when I think about you and how He feels about us and His son, Jesus, our brother and Savior. I am so grateful for the forgiveness and the possibility we all have to repent. Concieving before marriage was a sin and you WEREN't and forever won't be a sin. You were/are perfect. Stay close to the Spirit, please. The world can be lonely, scary and with the Spirit you can get through it all. XOXO

miracles

I am a firm believer in miracles. I believe in love and I am loving the miracle going on in this family. I am so grateful for God, for the goodness that He speaks to us in our minds and through angels. Sometimes those angels are able to be us and sometimes it is more complicated. I only cried 7 times being pregnant with P. Now I cry on the daily.

Like when I watch This Is Us. It melts me. It makes my eyes well up and it speaks to my soul.


My favorite parts of This Is Us last night was the darling Randal and Beth. Beth says to him what Deja tells her... you really hear birds singing and yadda yadda. Deja tells Beth how much Randal loves Beth, it was just soooo sweet. I believe in the miracle of love. Randal is my favorite character in it all. He is the bomb.

To our miracle out there, keep growing, keep getting bigger. 

baby sitting

A few months ago you came and watched your half brother and sister. When we got back I ask you what was your favorite part of babysisting, you said sitting. HAHAHAH cracked me up. Here I was expecting that you were going to say playing or something but that was so funny.

You are so good to our little baby girl and they love you so.

writing a guest blog.

Hi Alice,

I hope you're well. Thanks again for your past guest blog. I'm writing to see if you'd like to write a new piece to mark next month's Adoption Month.

I'll leave the topic up to you but if you could focus it on openness/open adoption and/or waiting/adoptive/birth parents, that would be ideal.

Here's a link to other blog ideas and our guidelines: http://www.americaadopts.com/guidelines-and-suggestions-for-guest-posts-at-america-adopts/

I look forward to hearing back from you,

I am really eager to do this and hope it turns out how I am expecting. 

from one to more

I struggle to write this because it is SO personal to P's mama. C. ANd it is so personal to their family. I have had SOOOOOOO many emotions go through my mind on this. Like it isn't my business or whatever...

I will never forget the phone call from C about wanting to try a sperm doner. Even writing about it I feel the power of God come into my soul. This is something so .....  sacred but I asked C if I could write about it and she said yes. She hopes that this reaches other people. I hope so too.

SO- before she had told me about this a few months ago I feel like I had come to an okay spot about them not adopting and not trying to get prego but reaching through foster care. I think it is interesting to note that when we are okay with this we will be redirected to do something else we had already closed the books on. It is easier emotionally. I also don't know the end of being C and preparing to be pregnant. Like obvs there is the physical part but also there is the emotional.

I keep having this book come to mind

I got these from here 

We plant seeds in the way we process negative events. After spending decades studying how people deal with setbacks, psychologist, Martin Seligman found that three P’s can stunt recovery: (1) personalization- the belief that we are at fault; (2) pervasiveness – the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life; and (3) permanence – the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever. The three P’s play like the flip side of the pop song “Everything Is Awesome” – “everything is awful.” The loop in your head repeats, “It’s my fault this is awful. My whole life is awful. And it’s always going to be awful.

From Bouncing Forward she writes,

Psychologists went on to study hundreds of people who had endured all kinds of trauma: victims of sexual assault and abuse, refugees and prisoners of war, and survivors of accidents, natural disasters, severe injuries, and illnesses. Many of these people experienced ongoing anxiety and depression. Still along with these negative emotions there were some positive changes. Up to that point, psychologists had focused mostly on two possible outcomes of trauma. Some people struggled: they developed PTSD, faced debilitating depression and anxiety, or had difficulty functioning. Others were resilient: they bounced back to their state before the trauma. Now there was a third possibility: people who suffered could bound forward.

When we face the slings and arrows of life, we are wounded and the scars stay with us. But we can walk away with greater internal resolve. 

it is so intriguing. I feel like C and J are bouncing forward. Not being able to adopt this sweet baby from Indiana was really hard on all of us. It is hard. I am still aching for that baby and hope the best for the baby. I being a birth mom try to be supportive of all choices of life and I try to be supportive for this mama in Indiana raising a baby with her grandma.

I also have my heart in this family- C is my friend. She has always been my friend. ALWAYS but i have a unique interest in them because I placed my baby with them.

I feel like I am bouncing around in my thoughts but I just want them to get prego- I want it to work- Selfishly I want it for them (because I feel like I stole the opportunity for them to be prego with P). I want it for them in a Spiritual sense where I can FEEL that amazing power of God and I know HIS hand is in this. I want P to have a mom who gets to see be prego- I want J to be a husband to a wife who is prego and I want C to as well. Pregnancy is gorg. It is just beautiful. So if you are reading this- send a prayer of faith and hope to heaven and the sweet child that is trying to come to this family. I can FEEL IT>

I want to write more about my spiritual experience to this....

I was going to name our baby girl Patience after our common BFF who passed but last year 2017-18 while we were going through names and after I told Pays husband and sister I wanted to name her after her. I had a vivid dream with Patience. She told me I couldn't use her name because it was being saved for C's baby girl who is waiting to come to earth.


Chills.... GOD IS REAL everyone. GOD KNOWS and Pay being on the other side is doing the work of our Lord.
SO to Patience Jr... we all feel you. We are trying all we can to get you to earth- it isn't easy and you really are being so patient- LOVES LOVE LOVES

Yesterday I found out we aren't prego.... IT IS VERY HARD on me. I just want C prego. but we wait, we have faith and we bounce forward!

Happy birthday sweet 5 year old

I AM still shocked that you are five. Your birthday is a momentari for me. Always will be. It is such a blessing to watch you grow and develop. You are brave, strong, sure and true. You are a handful and normal growing boy. You have parents who are passionate about you and I see their love for you. I am amazed by you. We got to see you a few weeks ago and give you your birthday gift- I am so slow to write on here. I want you to know you are always loved. Everyday, every year. Adoption is a beautiful part of your history and I hope you will be able to see that if you ever seek for it. Every blog I write I imagine you reading it. I imagine how it will make you feel, I imagine how you will be different because of it.

I hope you always treasure your life and those around you, I hope you always teach others to love and be loved. I hope you are good and strong and true forever.

then again I am sure this is alot and I hope it doesn't stress you out- haha but I know you will grow up to be a wonderful man. Love you Mr.

Flowers

I remember getting home from with little baby pop rocks and then placement then we went to Idaho then we came back and their were flowers by my apartment door. Flowers. No name of who they were from but flowers. It was something that I don't know who they were exactly from but they were really pretty and they were so great.

Gifts are always such a nice gesture. To whoever gave me those, thank you.

gifts....

friendships, phone calls, those are gifts too.

my little baby is up..... got to go-