This is a pretty unique blog post but I really want to be able to remember this and look back on and learn from it. I feel like being a birth mom my sweet adoptive mom C was SUCH a support. God was in it because every time that I would start to think about something she would call me and say, I have been thinking about this and it would be an answer to a prayer of my heart. Our relationship isn't short of miracles and events that show that we are love by another and our God. Our God is a great God.
C wrote this awesome post on her facebook the other day:
"If anyone wants to talk about depression or depression that comes from infertility, I'm here for you! I struggle with both. It helps me to talk to others who struggle. And if anyone who doesn't understand about depression, but would like to, I will share with you how it feels. It's much better to ask than to assume. There are certain words and phrases that are beyond helpful for someone with depression, and then their are many that hurt deeply. Just ask. I haven't met anyone that hasn't been touched by people genuinely wanting to understand how they feel."
I reached out to her through text asking her questions and she responded with this and she gave me permission to share it to my blog.
"You are definitely a huge support. I suffer from depression, but had it pretty under control, but the infertility has exacerbated it to a whole other level. So some triggers for general depression, for me at least, are stress, hungry, disappointment from other people, perfectionism plays a big part, and the LDS culture of being happy, praying for miracles, talks on joy and the comparing that happens ALL THE TIME.
For infertility, all of those things are hard still, but huge triggers are seeing pregnant people, seeing kids and babies, having people talk about miracles happening, when they don't know. Seeing people complain about their kids (which sometimes I vent about P and I get that, but when people complain rather than talking about the beauty of the child, that is what hurts). Seeing and hearing about horrible parents who abuse their children in so many ways is the hardest thing. I think anyone and everyone has issues with that, but it really messes with your mind when those people get kids and you don't. It really makes you question what you did wrong. (That goes back to the miracle idea. It will happen if you are faithful. That saying Is full of shame and doubt. I try to never use that in lessons or even taking to people because life can be a bitch sometimes.)
Another huge one is when I hear that family members or friends are pregnant from other people and they didn't want to tell me because they are nervous of how it makes me feel, I want them to think about how it would make me feel hearing about it from a stranger or in a large group. It's so much better to tell a person with infertility before announcing it so they can work through emotions in private and can be genuinely happy for the other person. My counselor is pregnant and we talk about infertility a lot, but I was so happy that she told me so that I could be happy for her and move on.
So, these are things that are appropriate to say to someone with depression:
Do's:
That sucks!
I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
I am here for you.
What do you need?
Then here is what people should do.
1.Genuinely ask questions about how to help or understand.
2. Visit their home or just drop something off
3. Sit next to them
4. Always say hello
5. When you ask how they are doing, wait and give them a chance to give them an honest answer
6. Don't get offended when they don't respond or talk about it or to you. Just keep doing basic things and be respectful of their feelings.
Do not say:
I get that, unless you actually do
Things will work out
Be happy
Think positive
Remember to pray
Have faith
Get out of bed
Do something
Do nots:
Ignore
Hide things
Pretend like nothing is wrong
Exclude them from invitations because you fear it might make them feel uncomfortable
Force them to do something
Not give them alone time when needed or being too pushy
Then there is infertility. Pretty much all of the previous comments apply.
I was so happy that a woman in relief society stopped me and told me she was so happy to see me there. I LOVE this lady. She is simple and poor. She has a hard life, but keeps going. I told her a little about why I couldn't go to RS all the time since there are so many pregnant women, new babies, good news minute and most of he lessons had something to do about parenthood. And all she said was, "That sucks!" Nothing else. And those two words were so refreshing. She didn't try to cheer me up or make things better. She just mourned with me and made me feel like it was ok to feel the way I felt. And ya know what, she makes me want to go.
PS I don't hate when people are pregnant, it is just a trigger for anyone dealing with infertility. But, I'm still excited for them. It just takes me a while to process it and jealousy happens, but I have to just go with it and feel it so I can be happy about it."
Isn't it so nice to read this. I love it because we forget.
I of course am trying to see it from my eyes and how I relate and I can't help but remember Charity saying that the emotions and feeling that we go through as birth moms are similar to adoptive families. I really keep seeing that over and over as our relationship continues to grow and expound. The first year after having P I would kinda hate seeing kids/families/babies/couples in love or whatever. It was hard to be happy for them but I did feel happy for my friends. I skipped lots of family parties because I just didn't want to be with anyone else but my sad self. Grief is HORRIBLE and loss is horrible too. There is a sting that can't be taken away.
I am shocked at things that people say to birth moms as I am one, shocked at things people say to those who are dealing with infertility.
I love my C for sharing these with us.
I feel like she is teaching us the virtue of charity. I need to listen up. I need to ask her what I can do on a day to day basis to help her. Cause I do want to.
LOVE YOU ALL
Mama Alice
