April showers

I have to say, I am BEYOND grateful for the healthy, communicating relationship that I have with as un personal as this sounds, my adoptive family to my sweet little guy.

Here is my little shower-
There are two ladies at my church who are adoptive moms.

First lady-
I am pretty sure I have blogged about her, she is lovely. When I met her I commented on how tall her daughter is and she said, she can't be getting taller then me and I said oh I think she is and I said your husband must be really tall? She said oh we adopted her and all our 5 kids. AMAZING! I said oh really, I don't tell everyone this but I am a birth mom and instantly she got tears in her eyes and hugged me. I got teary too and that just meant the world to me. I should tell her. We keep wanting to meet up but her life is busy with 5 kids and my life is busy with being prego and working? I dunno. Needless, we haven't but I have felt SO SO SO LOVED and respected by her in the most lovely way.

The other lady in the ward-
We did a gift exchange and I brought something and this lady got it. She thanked me and somehow we got on the topic that she only was born with half a heart and she adopted her two children. I said oh cool, I  don't tell lots of people but I am a birth mom. She and I aren't close to say the least. Polite but that is it. I have tried to be nice a few times thinking that she just must have something going on with a hatred towards birthmoms but haven't found anything out and she is friends with the other person in our church who says things that are kinda rude. ha- so needless I have been wanting to get that off my chest so I can stop thinking about it.

1. GRRR I don't like it when I tell someone I am a birth mom and they are insensitive.
2. I don't like to regret
3. I am not to be envied, I think some adoptive moms envy the birth moms. We are all on the same page ladies. You think I wanted to get prego and have my heart ripped out? IT IS HARD. Though I love sweet little guy and am grateful for how things have worked out I still can't help but feel like his life, my life and everyone's lives would be easier if he was just born to his parents that I felt and FEEL very strongly about them all being together.

WHEW!

SO what do you do when adoptive moms aren't nice and then you get a whole swirl of feelings like oh maybe she thinks I am whore for getting prego without being married or did she tell anyone else and they talked about it or yadda yadda.

I LOVE BEING A BIRTH MOM.

I love it. I will take being a birth mom over lots of other titles.

What if I was raped? I wasn't but my goodness.

When I grow up I am going to be more like Jesus and I will look back at this post and be embarrassed I ever thought of these things but for now I am just wanting to take it personal and all.

OKAY-

Listen to how wonderful my sweet baby boys mom is. She is the best adoptive mom ever.

I am so glad I got her.

I have been extremely struggling with the concept of being a step mom and then being a prego mom and having been a birth mom even more then ever LOTS of emotions.

Adoptive mom or baby boys mom- she sent me the longest sweetest angelic email.

I should see if I have permission from her to post it. I dunno- maybe that would be weird. Either way, she is LOVELY. It made me cry and I RARELY cry so that meant so much. Cry tears of joy, the best kind.

I should blog about it though.

Being a step mom is terrible depending on the situation but my gosh, no easy way to say it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Being a birth mom I think it makes being a step mom worse because, I JUST FOUGHT AND FOUGHT FOR 9 MONTHS for a baby boy to go to a home of a mother and a father and then I marry someone and I watch the pain of a little girl as she is dragged home to home and manipulated and treated as a pon. I see anger in a child I see a child manipulated to hate and then I see it back fire onto her mom. It breaks me. So now, being a prego mom I am pycho- this baby is so protected and I will have the best marriage and I am motivated beyond anything to make sure that this works out perfect and there is no such things as perfect so I am screwed. haha

AND I can't emotionally get involved with the step daughter, it just isn't possible right now. To many emotions.

SO that is my shower- and my flower comes next month! YAY! My sweet little boy that I get to be his mom and love on him as much as I want. I CAN'T WAIT to be a mom and a wife.

To anyone I offend- I don't mean to- to anyone that doesn't feel loved- I love you. To anyone that this confuses, I am also confused, hang in there.

LOVE MAMA ALICE

hello MARCH

This is just not like me to not blog but there really hasn't been much going on.

I am feeling great about where things are with little boy and he is so happy. He is such a tease and so cute. Him and his parents came over for dinner the other Sunday and it was so fun. He is so cute and just a little boy. Loves to wrestle, he is so darn happy and cute.

He loves little baby boy wayyy more then my step daughter which I just love. It is cute to see him so excited for half brother. He talks about the baby as we facetime and it is just darling.

We are really lucky to have a great adoption story and family. I couldn't wish for anything to be different. I love talking to his mama, she is just so cute, honest, real, passionate and full of life. I love her. I love his dad and really admire their relationship. a few weeks ago we went to dinner at their house. I always wished for a family that my sweet babe would go to and would look like them, like he belonged. As we were leaving they walked us out to the car and his dad was holding him and they looked so so so alike. It warmed my soul and has stuck with me for a month now. It is just an image I don't want to forget. They were all meant to be. It is so odd saying that because of everything but my goodness, I love that family so much. He couldn't be with a better mom and dad they are perfect together and for another.

Little Mr and my step daughter got to play together at their house and they played so well together till they watched Frozen HAAH The both kept saying that Elsa was, "my Elsa" then they got grouchy with another and then little S went to baby boys mom and little boy came and laid by me on the couch. It was another moment that warmed my soul.


While they were being grouchy with another I told them, you aren't giving me any hope that the baby boy in my tummy is going to be sweet, they would just look at me. hahahah Oh kiddos.

They really loved being outside playing together and I so wish that we had a backyard. One day.

Being pregnant this time for my family is so nice. It is a whole different experience. Before we got married I kept wondering how I would feel and what emotions I would have. Being prego the first time with little guy he was different then this babe but they do things that are similar too.

They both love my right side and right rib. They like to push there.
They both are very active during church, they must feel the difference of a sacred building.
They are both active for an hour before I go to sleep.

It is going to be so confusing to differentiate between the two of them! I will have to see about a name. They funny thing about them is they both have biological dads with the same last name. Isn't that so funny. I use to think it would be odd but it is really just whatever, I think because I was so prepared.

Anyhow- Happy Friday-

OH one more thing- 

Baby boy was born 21 inches long and 6lbs and 15 ounces.  What will this little guy be?

Hard to say. I was 8 pounds and my husband was 6 so we never know.

Please send the love for me as I birth this one- it is so scary even though I have done it once before!

he is a boy, due in may

Yesterday we found out what we were having in May, a boy. I have been BEYOND happy and very excited to have a sweet, little boy.

I have heard some things that haven't been nice and I just want to make sure that people of my blog know not to say these things to other birth moms. "It will be so much more fun when you get to keep the baby" hellllo- I choose to place little boy into the arms of 2 parents of safety and 2 parents that God trusted and knew to have this boy enter their lives forever.

This is how it was supposed to be. Having a baby out of wedlock is the most emotional hard thing I have ever been through and parts of it are still very hard and uncomfortable but we get through this. Last night I dreamed about being a birth mom. It was very intense and emotionally painful that now I am blogging about it so I don't forget these times because I want to remember what i have been through and these things are all apart of something.

I dreamed I got prego again out of wedlock with my x boyfriend bryce and that I was married now to my current husband but I didn't know what to do. I was talking to my husband and told him we can pretend it is our baby or we can place him in baby pop rocks family.

It is so so so hard on me that baby pop rocks family wants more kids and are not getting them. HOW HARD! I so wish I could do more for them because in a way I feel so tied to them and their family but I have to do what is best for my family.

Lots of feelings and so much love, pure love from my heart.

I know God lives and loves us and wants our happiness. I know that He cares about His children and he whispers into the hearts of mothers and fathers everywhere. I know that this little boy, my first with my husband will be loved without measure and I hope that little boy i had in my tummy years ago knows that I loved him and his parents love him as if they were in their tummy's.

God is good, enjoy the journey you are in. I am going to enjoy my journey and be happy with what I have and grateful.

XOOXOXO

Mama Alice

thoughts of 17 weeks

Hello my fellow friends and my future self.

I love reading this blog. It is SO interesting to reread about my life and see what I thought of things. Grief makes you crazy town and sometimes I think that I was somewhat of a different person through that. I don't like to forget the feelings I had going through this because it is such a unique things and I want to have a blog that anyone can read for real raw feelings to either 1. understand a birth mom (better because we are all different) 2. if you are birth mom to have some empathy. I am here for you all.

Okay- So my feelings.

I was telling my she daddy about this this is what I wrote her:

Such weird feelings with being prego, Like I should be hiding it like i did the first time. My husband wants to tell everyone but I keep feeling like it is a secret. Oh being a birth mom and of course I feel like I am bragging about getting prego so fast because I feel so bad for other families that have infertility.  Overall I am SUPER happy about having a baby and just having it for us. That is the best feeling in the world. 

I am sure that this is somewhat normal but I don't have any other birth moms to bounce this off of because all my close birth mom friends are not having their second baby.

I do feel really grateful to have my husband but sometimes embarrassed by how I feel. I wonder if that is normal. I was prego alone and lived alone so I just would hide all my feelings from the public but now everyone seems to care about me.

I had the MOST wonderful cousins that pampered me. BIG TIME. Bought me massages and really were so giving with their kids. I loved having them over for sleepovers and I felt so motherly with that. I love having them and taking care of them, especially when I was prego because I just wanted to love something how I would my own baby and I don't know. It was unique. I also had 10 great friends and family that would talk to me about. My coworker really respected my space so that wasn't an issue and really most of the time I felt good so though I was hiding a growing baby....

Oh and hiding him, I felt like hiding him was a way of protecting him and myself. Some people can be quite cruel by ignorance and it would tear me up for hours. Just the littlest things. I am grateful to those that were so positive. 

I don't think adoption was always what I knew would happen. My co worker asked me that today. My caseworker and I always made two plans. My first choice and instinct with baby boy was adoption but I had plan b in place all along. I had  day care saved for him and a list of items to get for him if I wasn't able to place him. 

That month before though, I knew 99% he would be with the family he has, they were somehow meant to be.

Anyway.

Lots of feelings I guess lately.

So being prego, I feel like an automatic weird thing telling people.

We find out what we are having on Dec 15th and I am VERY excited. I think we will announce it publicly then, though it feels like everyone knows.

I am so nervous to birth the baby and so nervous to breast feed. Breast is best I keep telling myself.

Last night I dreamed I had the baby at home and he was a he and nice and chunky. I also dreamed that milk was pouring out. Dreams are so real and helpful. I feel better already about the birth.

Oh at first when I felt the baby it felt so similar to baby boy 1 that it freaked me out but having a husband the next time be able to feel the little flutters was magic, like the movies. I must say, having the right guy as your baby daddy is the best.

his birthday

I saved this for so long- on little guys' birthday this year I was at a state park. I was in the boat, tubing, dragging in the water and I even parasailed.

I think about his birthday ALOT. I use to always count how many months he was on the 8th and I am so glad to be freed from that but his birthday, July 8th will always be a special day.

Love that sweet boy and I didn't want to forget I had this.

Xo

What a fun summer

What a summer- I have been saving some texts on my phone so I could blog about them.

So we got Seven Peaks season passes for a GREAT DEAL and asked baby boy's family if they wanted some and they said yes. We are so lucky to have such a fun open adoption.

So baby's dad couldn't make it to the Saturday event because he was working and then baby boy's mom, her phone died. She asked me to text baby dad about where we were and if he wanted to join us. This is our convo-

Me- Hey, are you coming? (baby's mom) phone died, we have a free pass for you.
Him- K, How is baby  boy doing?

I am just so grateful for such a selfless father. He is always so worried about baby boy and where he is and how he is doing. I am really amazed by it. I think most men are just not like that and what a great quality. I always know I won't have to worry about baby boy because his dad is way more worried then I am.

I love baby boys mom too. I think she is really perfect for him but I always expected that so I don't write about it all the time. She is so good being consistent and so loving.

Saturday the mom called me and I got to facetime with them and it was so fun. Little boy is growing up so cute and is so fun. He has the best little checks and is so so cute. I miss him but am so happy with where his is.

On Sunday I met the most darling family, they have adopted 5 kids and I told her, I am a birth mom and she kinda got teary which made me get teary. Such an awesome bond we get to have with people around the world.

Adoption is just great. I would have never known for real if it weren't for a short year of my life of some pain, questions and a fight to be close to the Lord and know what was best.

I am beyond lucky to have the life I have with my now husband and looking back that pain was just for a moment.

I can't help but think of these scriptures.  We are really so blessed.

Doctrine and Covenants 121:

7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

 9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

 10 Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job.

We all know from reading my blogs these months and months weren't any form of easy. They were troubling and very painful. I can't help but have my thoughts go to Joseph Smith. The pain of being in prison and that pain and the Lord saying, it will be a moment. It really is just a moment. Though it FEELS like FOREVER in the moment. I did have so many friends to stand by me and I wasn't as Job.

Poor Job. He is always the last resort. You aren't as Job.

Really though, doesn't that look sad- I think these scriptures are going to be my ponderize.


"The word 'ponderize' is not found in the dictionary but it has found a place in my heart," Durrant said in his talk. He explained that "ponderizing" involved choosing a verse of scripture, putting it in a visible location, and pondering its meanings throughout the week.

Love this and his talk!


To my sweet baby-
We will always share a unique bond but I can see that as we are growing older we are going to loose a part of that specialness. Especially with having our own lives. It is just natural. I am sometimes sad by it but other times I am happy for us. I can't imagine always worrying about you and I don't think you will really ever understand the magnitude of how much I really care for you. Maybe someday when you have your own children. It is so hard to talk about in words but as I go through life I am just grateful for you. You taught me more then I would have ever been able to learn without you. I love you honey.

XOXO

Mama Alice

My ring bearer

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I have been meaning to write for so long. I don't know how the last post what a birthday post. I just love my little baby boy so much who is now a 2 year old baby boy. I just can't believe it. Not for a second.

I am the luckiest birth mom in the world. SO lucky. I just want to tell every birth mom that that heart ache that is felt early on is SO worth the beauty and ______ something.... there isn't a word... maybe complete feeling I have. The year after the birth was miserable and painful and so many feelings. I always felt good about adoption but I just now feel the sting is gone.

It is because of my fiance! My last boyfriend-fiance wasn't it. This one is and there is such a peace in my life.

Maybe a few weeks ago my future husband and I were talking.

Time out- I always knew that I would get married in the same pattern that I choose parents for baby boy.

1. I LOVED the first parents i choose but it wasn't right for them. In fact they just announced they are prego again. It seems they never needed to adopt to have children but they needed the experience. We are friends and I am SO grateful for them. They keep my secret lip locked and I love them for that.

2. THe second family- I wanted to have that seamless but it never felt perfect. Doubts always flushing my head and for me red flags. Same with my ex bryce. I wish both of them the best.

3. I always had them going through the back of my head, they were on my mind for 9 months but I never knew how to ask them or talk to them. They floated in and out of my mind. It was God sent.
Same with my lover- God send, and there is just something flawless about my Chris. He is mine for the count and he brings me more love into my heart and more spirit to my soul. I feel SO calm about marrying him.

SO we are getting married! About I would have to say a month ago or 3 weeks we were talking about getting married. He is recently divorced and we aren't able to to go the temple. I wanted to just do it my way and wait it out and wait to have the blessings of marriage. Wait till June 6th 2016. It was grained into my mind. I wanted that date- I wanted to be a bride for my life and marry in June like the song says from 7 brides for 7 brothers. Silly, I know but once I have  my mind set, it is set and hard to change. SO the Lord worked his magic. We talked about a different month and then bam- 8.15.15

I love that it is the same year and date. I wanted to do 8.7.15 today, but we came across some obstacles, our bishop couldn't marry us, ect.

SO, then we were headed for marriage-

Here is the whole reason I am writing all this-

1. I always knew baby boy would help me find my husband. He did.
2. Baby boy is our ring bearer!

I AM SO SO SO SO HAPPY. He really is the cutest, smartest, sweetest, handsome and perfect little guy ever.

We are going to try having kids right away and I hope they are all just like him. CUTE in and out.

I know this is tmi but i have to share. My period is going to set us for ovulation on our wedding night! AHHHH SO HAPPY and scary.

I hope we get prego because little boy is such a miracle and any form of fertility challenges BREAKS my heart. That is one thing that  placing a baby taught me. I just think it is so unfair but also I would never have learned what I did if it weren't for that experience. God was with me for that and His companionship I would never trade.

Baby boy- I can't wait to see you at my wedding. I can't wait to hug you and kiss you and I hope you laugh that CUTE laugh. I love you forever, thanks for being my little prince for so long.

XOXOX

Mama alice