from one to more

I struggle to write this because it is SO personal to P's mama. C. ANd it is so personal to their family. I have had SOOOOOOO many emotions go through my mind on this. Like it isn't my business or whatever...

I will never forget the phone call from C about wanting to try a sperm doner. Even writing about it I feel the power of God come into my soul. This is something so .....  sacred but I asked C if I could write about it and she said yes. She hopes that this reaches other people. I hope so too.

SO- before she had told me about this a few months ago I feel like I had come to an okay spot about them not adopting and not trying to get prego but reaching through foster care. I think it is interesting to note that when we are okay with this we will be redirected to do something else we had already closed the books on. It is easier emotionally. I also don't know the end of being C and preparing to be pregnant. Like obvs there is the physical part but also there is the emotional.

I keep having this book come to mind

I got these from here 

We plant seeds in the way we process negative events. After spending decades studying how people deal with setbacks, psychologist, Martin Seligman found that three P’s can stunt recovery: (1) personalization- the belief that we are at fault; (2) pervasiveness – the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life; and (3) permanence – the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever. The three P’s play like the flip side of the pop song “Everything Is Awesome” – “everything is awful.” The loop in your head repeats, “It’s my fault this is awful. My whole life is awful. And it’s always going to be awful.

From Bouncing Forward she writes,

Psychologists went on to study hundreds of people who had endured all kinds of trauma: victims of sexual assault and abuse, refugees and prisoners of war, and survivors of accidents, natural disasters, severe injuries, and illnesses. Many of these people experienced ongoing anxiety and depression. Still along with these negative emotions there were some positive changes. Up to that point, psychologists had focused mostly on two possible outcomes of trauma. Some people struggled: they developed PTSD, faced debilitating depression and anxiety, or had difficulty functioning. Others were resilient: they bounced back to their state before the trauma. Now there was a third possibility: people who suffered could bound forward.

When we face the slings and arrows of life, we are wounded and the scars stay with us. But we can walk away with greater internal resolve. 

it is so intriguing. I feel like C and J are bouncing forward. Not being able to adopt this sweet baby from Indiana was really hard on all of us. It is hard. I am still aching for that baby and hope the best for the baby. I being a birth mom try to be supportive of all choices of life and I try to be supportive for this mama in Indiana raising a baby with her grandma.

I also have my heart in this family- C is my friend. She has always been my friend. ALWAYS but i have a unique interest in them because I placed my baby with them.

I feel like I am bouncing around in my thoughts but I just want them to get prego- I want it to work- Selfishly I want it for them (because I feel like I stole the opportunity for them to be prego with P). I want it for them in a Spiritual sense where I can FEEL that amazing power of God and I know HIS hand is in this. I want P to have a mom who gets to see be prego- I want J to be a husband to a wife who is prego and I want C to as well. Pregnancy is gorg. It is just beautiful. So if you are reading this- send a prayer of faith and hope to heaven and the sweet child that is trying to come to this family. I can FEEL IT>

I want to write more about my spiritual experience to this....

I was going to name our baby girl Patience after our common BFF who passed but last year 2017-18 while we were going through names and after I told Pays husband and sister I wanted to name her after her. I had a vivid dream with Patience. She told me I couldn't use her name because it was being saved for C's baby girl who is waiting to come to earth.


Chills.... GOD IS REAL everyone. GOD KNOWS and Pay being on the other side is doing the work of our Lord.
SO to Patience Jr... we all feel you. We are trying all we can to get you to earth- it isn't easy and you really are being so patient- LOVES LOVE LOVES

Yesterday I found out we aren't prego.... IT IS VERY HARD on me. I just want C prego. but we wait, we have faith and we bounce forward!

Happy birthday sweet 5 year old

I AM still shocked that you are five. Your birthday is a momentari for me. Always will be. It is such a blessing to watch you grow and develop. You are brave, strong, sure and true. You are a handful and normal growing boy. You have parents who are passionate about you and I see their love for you. I am amazed by you. We got to see you a few weeks ago and give you your birthday gift- I am so slow to write on here. I want you to know you are always loved. Everyday, every year. Adoption is a beautiful part of your history and I hope you will be able to see that if you ever seek for it. Every blog I write I imagine you reading it. I imagine how it will make you feel, I imagine how you will be different because of it.

I hope you always treasure your life and those around you, I hope you always teach others to love and be loved. I hope you are good and strong and true forever.

then again I am sure this is alot and I hope it doesn't stress you out- haha but I know you will grow up to be a wonderful man. Love you Mr.

Flowers

I remember getting home from with little baby pop rocks and then placement then we went to Idaho then we came back and their were flowers by my apartment door. Flowers. No name of who they were from but flowers. It was something that I don't know who they were exactly from but they were really pretty and they were so great.

Gifts are always such a nice gesture. To whoever gave me those, thank you.

gifts....

friendships, phone calls, those are gifts too.

my little baby is up..... got to go-

May first I read this and emailed myself a link to blog about...

I follow an instagram handle called lactation link. It motivates me to breastfeed and tips on it. They did a blog post the week of infertility stuff and I REALLY liked it.  I could use these tips in my own life but I thought about how they were so good. Even my gay friend loved them... these are here for us. I hope they touch you with whatever you are going through... /:)


https://lactationlink.com/blog/three-tips-infertility/\

Infertility. It’s something that you don’t expect to deal with when you think of your future. You get married, and then next come the babies when you’re ready. As I get older (and wiser with experience!), I’m learning that life has little surprises, valleys and hills along the way, and they help you learn and grow so that you can deal with the next hurdles with more grace.

My husband Tyler and I started trying to conceive and after a year with no success, we saw an infertility specialist. Three IUIs and 3 rounds of IVF later, we are at the other side with the arrival of our boy/girl twins, Harris and Goldie last year on July 13th! We climbed the mountain, we fell and got bruised and bled quite a few times, but eventually made it to the top. What I learned through the process is invaluable and I really wouldn’t change the experience because I know that what I learned will help me to be happier and more grateful for my life. It will help me to cope with my future challenges better. There are several habits that I developed to help me cope with the challenges of infertility, and I would love to share those with you if you happen to find yourself on this journey. I’m sure you never planned on it.

It’s not something that you prepare to cope for, so I want to share what helped me get through it.

My first habit can really be applied to anyone, in any situation. It’s simple.

1. Don’t get offended.

You are the only person that can decide how you feel and how you let others affect you. Sometimes people don’t know what to say when you are talking about infertility, so they end up saying, well, really dumb things! One of the things I heard was, “my husband and I can get pregnant the second we start thinking about it!” For me, it was comparable to me telling them that I was struggling financially, and then having them retort with, “I am so rich!! I don’t even know what to do with all of the money that I have!” It’s kind of funny when you actually think about it. Here’s what I thought to myself when I heard someone say insensitive things: First, their intentions were not ill-willed. Those who have not experienced infertility cannot possibly understand the heartache associated with it. I know I didn’t! I had no idea what it felt like until I experienced it, and it was a lot harder than I thought. In fact, after we started fertility treatments, I remember standing in my closet and sobbing for my friends who had struggled with infertility because I finally understood what they were going through. Be patient with others. None of us are perfect, and I would want someone to be patient with me because I’m sure I have said insensitive remarks in my lifetime without the slightest awareness that I had. Another thought? Even if a comment is ill-willed, who cares! I’m not going to give someone else the control over my happiness.

2. My second habit is to decide to be happy!

I learned a lot going through my first 3 IUIs and first 2 rounds of IVF, so by the time we did IVF for the 3rd time, I gave myself a break a lot more. We only get one life, and I didn’t want to regret looking back on my 20’s wishing for the days ahead. I want to look back on my life without regrets and I don’t want to waste it because I can’t rewind time and get it back. There is something good in each day, and I chose to look for those good things. I chose to focus on what I could do without children that would be more difficult to do if I did have them. My husband and I bought dirt bikes! Yes, I’m serious. We had a lot of fun during that summer while we took a break in trying to conceive. We only get today. We only get right now. Those are adventures that I am so glad I had with my husband. Every single person in this world has trials, and it’s how we choose to live in those trials that defines how happy we are. I decided that I wasn’t going to be a miserable person, and that was that. This does not mean that you can’t allow yourself to have bad moments or even bad days. You can cry and you can get mad. But then I want you to bounce back because you have the control of your life and you will get through this. In the end, you’ll look back, like me, and realize how much you learned. It will make motherhood even sweeter. Trust me in that. It’s so much sweeter after having gone through infertility. That’s the interesting thing about trials. Only through going through them can life’s experiences be so much more joyful and appreciated.

3. My last habit is to look around you for all of the incredible kindnesses of your friends and family.

I was amazed by how many people reached out when they found out that we were struggling with infertility. If you aren’t comfortable telling many people, at least let a few close friends or family stand by your side to help you through the process and you will be so grateful at the love and support that you see around you. Going through something difficult allows your eyes to be opened to some unbelievable goodness and I was so grateful that I got to see that.  In return, I would suggest that you spread kindness to others as well. Like I said, it’s hard to remember sometimes, but every single person is going through something hard. If you focus on brightening someone else’s day, it helps you to look outside of yourself and it lifts you up in return. It’s strange that helping others really helps you. So… if you’re feeling selfish and you want to feel good, go do something for someone else!

Top of the lake- my thoughts being a birth mom

First- there is quite a bit of nudity and sex. For me this doesn't really phase me because I dunno it isn't sexualized it is just part of the story. Even though I believe you should only have sex with your spouse and that is a connection you only want with your spouse although we are grateful that P came the way he did I am a firm believer that sex before marriage is hard on your soul, your family and you future family. There is nudity. For me bodies are BEAUTIFUL and amazing. I won't be joining a nudist colony anytime soon or ever but bodies are pretty. We were created by God. Again, save your for your spouse but I don't see all nudity as pornography. Everyone has their own pornography. For some it might be anyone in the nude, for me most nudity is art and I appriciate the beauty but it doesn't make me think ill thoughts, more so thoughts of how I would draw that or where the shadows are or the differences.....

There is bad language- again- culture. I don't like it but I like this story and what it made me feel as a birth mom so I watched it. for me, healing.

I really wish I could find someone who has see this movie and knows about me being a birth mom so I could discuss it with someone. My hubs isn't into it at all and I don't think he has tried to get into it but I don't see him getting into it. I love it.

Right now- nap time is normally when I watch an episode and fall asleep but it has been so long since blogging and there is so much on it I had to catch it up.

I am so attracted to this story.

The birth mom is a detective. I feel like our past experiences make us better people. Give it sad or happy experiences. She has lots of hurt but I feel like the person she is has made her a great detective. She is succesful. She was raped and placed her baby at 16. The baby, now 16 is writing her and she doesn't write back... they become close.

I have never really seen a show or movie with open adoption. That would be something worth writing about- ha here i am but I mean for a book. I would love to publish a book. I am so busy with babies right now that I am unable to do so. I keep wanting to though.

I can't seem to get some fire under me to write about this show and I am feeling tired but I am so glad for my story. It isn't perfect but it is at a great place.

XO

I don't want to forget these cute things

4 year olds are so so fun and you are no exception Mr. P. You are so cute and so great with your half little babies. E (16 month old) love being with you and really laughs so much. You are also a happy guy and always laughing, teasing, wrestling and watching out for those around you.

Your life is really good and it makes me so happy to see you happy.

I don't want to forget this cute thing that happened in August. You came over to meet your half baby sis and I was breastfeeding and you asked about it. (you asked about pumping on your birthday last year when I pumped in your room for E) Well, we were sitting over in the recliner as I was nursing sis and you said, "your my birth mom, she's my half sister, he's my half brother and he (pointing to my hubs C) he is my birth dad."

It was SO darling and my hubs has been going through some things with his step daughter and I know it made him so happy.

SOmeday you will realize C isn't your birth daddy and some other dude is but C will and does care for you. He love being with you and seeing you. He loves your parents and though at first it was kinda new for him he says it feels normal.

You are so lucky and we are so lucky that your parents and my family are so happy having all of us so close together.

If someday you (or your parents) don't want to be in our lives and you think we are silly we will understand but until then we are enjoying every moment.

My other favorite thing------

My family all lives out of state. It is really hard on me and sad for me. I talk to my mom often but it is hard to keep in contact with those you love if they don't live near by.

You and your mommy came to watch E and I for C and me to go on an anniversary dinner. When we got back I asked you what the best part of babysitting was and you said, "sitting" hahahahaha oh you made me laugh and laugh.

This is the note I sent your dad for Fathers day.

Happy Father's day J! I thought about you yesterday and really,  thank you for being the best dad to P. You two are so great. I will never forget the times when I was pregnant and came over sitting on the porch and you were waiting on C and me.  It's really endearing how kind you are.  P is a great little guy and will be an amazing man because of you.  You and C are great parents.  I will never and have never regretted placing him into you and C arms.  God is good and God knew.  Anyways,  it seems forever ago because now,  you guys feel like friends, it is blessed.  We miss you!  xo 


I love your family and I love you cute dude.

Love your birth mommy-

We live an adoption dream

It is crazy, in a world that is so complicated, so difficult and in a circumstance that is tough you would think that I wouldn't get along with my adopted family and visa versa. I think this is rare. I kind miss hearing about group and stats about stuff. Charity was the best thing ever that happened to me because she would keep my feeling normal when things were so crazy. Anyway, I am just so grateful for the normal relationship that I have with P and his family. It is like family friends though. We are lucky and it is rare.

I mean everything about it is just wild and I LOVE that.

I haven't received permission from J ( P's dad) but he called me to ask me about breastfeeding because he is a nurse. It was really fun to talk to him about it. We have such a great relationship. Like what other male have I talked to about breastfeeding and pumping? Nobody!

We all went to Hardware Ranch and it was SUCH a blast to be together. We are really so lucky and there was a moment that my step daughter was REALLY possessive of baby E and P was also possessive of him and saying he is my brother and they both were so cray about that. My step daughter doesn't realize who P is. I don't really want her telling her family who he is because he is sacred to me so we have told her a few times but she doesn't get it. She thinks that we C and I have always been married and her mom has always been single. The joys of a 4 year old.

I kept telling them, this is both of your brother. He is your half brother. He is half of each of you. They were BEYOND confused. It was funny. But they play together and that is such a relief! Soon they will have a little half brother running after them!

This is a must go!

https://wildlife.utah.gov/hardwareranch/