Happy half birthday sweet guy

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I want to tell everyone my secret. I just love where it is at and I am sick of pretending. It gets so hard after a while to hold onto this secret. I want to post a picture wishing my sweet little boy a happy half birthday. Last night I went through the book I made us... him and me. It really helps to relive things with that book even though it was very emotionally exhausting to make. I just felt like just in case I died I had to make it.

To the sweet little guy who loves the potty and who is such a sweet little guy giving back hugs and kisses even to me, your mama britt. It is so nice to be loved. OH I love playing with you and chasing you around the table. I love that you like to be with me. It is very comfortable. I love that you are so smart and cute and I am sorry for the milk allergy and the eczema. The older you get the more I see myself in you. I use to think you looked like your birth dad. Really, I think now, you look like your mom with your big eyes  and face shape and your dad (you resemble another but I don't know how and me. I think you have your birthdads eye shape but you have my coloring and my hair and really you look very much like me right now.. I think you are so cute. I want to kiss you constantly when I am with you. I am so glad that your mom and dad let me come and sleep over two weeks ago. It was really nice. I slept in the room across from yours and as I fell asleep I could hear you cough and it was the best sound in the world to be so close to you. I woke up from 5 to 7 and I listened to you. Being your bith mom I had you physically with me for so long, physically being with you is a treasure. Sometimes I wish I was a kangaroo and could just put you in my pouch and have you with me forever. God had a different plan for both us, he wanted you to come through me to your mom and dad and then have all three of us. We all love you in different ways and really in the same ways too. Your so very special. It's crazy to think that my mom ever thought of me as much as I think about you. After a year of you being born I don't think about you sleeping or your bed time anymore, that was painful and hard. I always wanted you, you must understand. It is deeper then that. Holidays are so hard without you, so so hard. I love you baby boy- Happy half birthday.

Today is my sweet little cousins birthday so it is hard for me to not remember this date. Dates are so important to me. Times and dates. I have a odd brain that loves numbers. I love writing but I am a terrible speller and grammar gal.

Today I texted your mom sweet little boy and told you happy half birthday and she said she would hug and kiss you from me. I do think of you.

Did you know last night I told the millionth boy that I want to date about you. It is always a somewhat weird thing to tell someone. Their reactions can be so different. Some guys want ever detail about your birth dad, some guys want to just accept it and just go on with life and talking about other things, some ask about the medical side of it and that is fun to talk about. Some ask about the now. All their questions kinda show me what type of interest they have in me and they also show their empathy. It also shows their openness level.

I wasn't supposed to be in a situation to get pregnant before I got married but I made some choices that got you. That is always a hard thing.

Lots of thoughts.

This has nothing to do with your birthday but I want to write about this.

When I meet the next boyfriend that I get I have to be a hero for having you and I have to be put on a pedestal. If not, they aren't going to be strong for me when I need them. I hope I can remember that. I want my challenges to be the things that build me into who I am now. I don't mean it to sound selfish.

Well my dear boy and sweet readers I hope your day is amazing. I love you all. It has been discouraging without my x and the future that I wanted with him and the future children I wanted with him but that wasn't in the cards. Now I have to hope for the future again, to hope that I will have a husband and future children.

I am hoping! I am dating and trying to find him.

I am also working on forgiving myself... still.

Little boy- you have to always love me. That is a rule. If you ever want to hurt me that will hurt me.... I guess I will try to prepare for that.

XOXO

mama alice

title- hmmm screen shots and emails.

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I am really doing so good this season with missing little boy. It isn't quite as heart wrenching and painful and ruin my day like last year was. Gosh that was bad. I am doing really good. I have been thinking more and more about  "coming out" as a birth mom. I dunno. I really don't. But it would be nice to just have it in the open though it is a painful subject sometimes with some people. Like my cousin who is really wanting to have babies then I have a miracle baby and I am not married nor wanting to be prego- though this isn't to be confused with being grateful to have baby boy in my life or have changed my life for the better.

Anyway.... Here are some things I screen shot, love these things.

Truly one of the most hardest things I have ever done. EVER. I think about that week of July 8th,  more then any other week of my entire life. What it felt like to hold him and not worry about anything. The peace he has and the melting. 

 

this is the most well written feelings, I feel the same.

 

What we as parents want for our kids..... ;)

 

I must say this is kinda hard for me.... am I am mother? I feel like a mother in secret. It is something that is really hard on me because most of my validation tells me I am not which my body which was birth screams of it. But the second line clears it up. Placing a child doesn't make me less of one. I hate titles and complex issues on the inside.

 

 

 

Baby boy's grandma wrote me the nicest facebook email the other day. I should paste it in here.

Hi Alice 

This is (baby boy's)  grandma, I met you at his sealing... I just wanted to say hello and let you know that I think about you often and hope and pray that your heart is healing and you are doing ok.  I thank you for your gift of love to our family.  (baby boy) is a joy to all his family.  We hope to get out soon and see him for a visit. I check in on your blog now and then, it must help to express your feelings in writing.  Just wanted you to know that I hope you are well and that (baby boy)couldn't be loved more by everyone.  Hope you have a nice Thanksgiving.
Love,
(his grandma)

 

 

Really, it is the little things- it really is. Those little things that make my life a little easier. Those moments that really make me feel like God hears me. Sometimes I feel like He doesn't. Especially with so many challenges but things are easier right now.... boring even. which I love. My heat is really settled. Some days are almost impossible. Some days which are now weeks... almost months, I don't feel any sting and not heart ache.

 

Some people ignore that I had a baby- they pretend it didn't happen. That is really hard sometimes because it makes me feel ignored as a mother. Interesting huh?

 

Baby boys' family is so cute. I saw the cutest Christmas card last night and bought it. It says to my son and his family. Most likely it is made for an adult son and his wife and children but I don't know that story. I don't know a lot. But I do know that this is meant to be. For now it is sometimes hard and I wish SO SO much I had a future in store, I had a husband I loved and would have babies with but I don't. I don't have that right now. I keep dating.

 

I have SO SO many dates all the time. I think of the pain of loosing my X. It is still very sharp and hard. I just thought, I wonder if he reads this? If you are, I really hope you are doing well. I still think of you and some nights I want to call you but we just aren't meant to be. To much pain is now associated. Anyway this isn't about you...

 

 

 

 

My friend just sent this to me. I literally just checked my email and there was this link. I agree with most things she says. Not all but most. She is so pretty. I always think birth moms are some of the prettiest woman. Really look up birth moms on instagram. gorgeous. I love giving myself indirect compliments. LOL totally kidding. But I do think birth moms are pretty. I think it has something to do with doing something with Gods grace and really with God.

Watch the video if you want. I loved it.

http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/his-grace?v=3924693673001

 

 

one day more, I can wait but remembering is so hard

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So the person that connected me to baby boys family has cancer. Last night I stayed in the hospital with her. I got in her bed, got woken up every two hours and I dreams of you baby boy. I feel the sadness and the joy all over again of having you cute guy. I wish I was spoiled to live close to you or to at least be able to go back in time and hold you. I will never forget the moments having you and I wish so badly I could have you again for a few days. Those were divine. My body felt like death but I was SO overjoyed to have you. You were my little prize.

The other day I went to the grocery store and there was a mother there with her new born and I turned and was like your baby is so darling and she let me look at her little baby full of hair and honestly I just wanted to hug her and tell her to enjoy the moments she has with her baby. I don't think I was jealous but looking forward to my one day that I get to have my baby to go to the grocery store with.

I am also sad about loosing my fiancé  with that because I thought the road would be closer but little boy you are always in my thoughts.

I am grateful for all the thoughts and loves I get.

Honestly, I am in SUCH a good place. It is normal to want a family and it is normal to miss your baby. Life isn't perfect but after I click out of this post I will have a normal night and go to sleep because I am beyond tired. My friends friend is sleeping over and I am so glad because I have someone to clean for, and listen to the help.

baby boy- thanks for your sweet kisses and I am so grateful for an open adoption. I miss baby you but I love you and can't wait to see what one more day will bring to you!

From a distance but from the heart,

Alice

dreams, of course about you sweet guy

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I love the nights that I dream about people I don't see very often but the most tender times are nights I dream about you little guy. Did you know that you get cuter, sweeter and smarter every time I see you. You are so happy. In my dreams your parents are the same as always, they love you so much. They really do. I see it and I feel it. If you ever wonder if they love you less then if they had you without me that is Satan and those are doubts. They explode with joy. I love seeing how protective they are with you and really you are every bit part of them. You haha do little things like them. Parts of me is sad by it because I just want you to be mine but most of me is happy seeing parts of them in you. You are just darling, you know that. DARLING>

In my dream last night you just kept smiling and talking and kissing me. Oh I love you. I love seeing you and playing with you, even if it is in my dreams.

XOXO

Little Boy, moments are among us

Hey cute guy. I saw the most adorable video of you with your mom singing the ABC's to you. You were in the bath and just cute as can be. You are growing so healthy and strong. Remember how loved you are and how cute you are.

I love seeing you with your family. I can tell you are so loved and taken care of. You are going to grow up someday and maybe you will never read this and maybe you will. I just hope you know that I thought of you, everyday. Some moments are hard that I don't get to be your mommy but I am really coming to terms with that more and more. I hope you know you have a dad who loves you and a mom who does too. This love will never fade. It will only grow.

I love watching babies who are one years old and a few months thinking that is who will be your friends. I have thought about people you will marry or date and thinking how maybe the woman you marry isn't even born yet! You are still only a baby but your future children are cheering for you and possibly your wife.

Life is so short. Drink up each good moment and learn from the hard ones. Learn from others mistakes that there is always something good ahead. Don't you give up!

Listen to your heart.

XO

Don't lose hope in people, angels are coming

Dearest friend of the weekend,

You have saved me this weekend from despair and sadness. I can't believe I felt prompted to tell you about the baby and then every part of your reaction was perfect. I loved how you let me tell you everything and you were so understanding.

I loved how you said that there is no such thing as a bad emotion but comfortable and un comfortable ones.

I loved how you read the book and looked at each picture for a long time. I loved your face when I said I had a baby a year ago. UTTER SHOCK. HAHA that was the best. I loved being able to share a little bit of my motherhood with you.

Thanks for taking me out of this world of pain as we went shopping, eating at yummy places and though I didn't feed you like I should have you said I did.

I loved hiking with you and getting the must haves. I loved talking to you about challenges in your life. I loved that we have never had a any sort of argument ever. Listening to you I kept thinking, that is exactly what I would have done. You are the biggest angel in my life.

I just posted my blog about feeling alone and you wrote me instantly. I can't believe that.

You win best friend award, for sure. I love your perspectives and your energy towards life. LOVE IT

Little boy- I write this because even in pain we have friends that save us. I hope that the friends that you have will save you someday.

Alice

I can't wait to see you again in a few weeks!

emotion throw up- ideas that aren't solid but hope that is

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I love page views, I love feeling like this blog is helping someone, even if it's just me.

I have written about one of my friends and I think she said this right.

I sent her a picture of me a little boy, who is so cute and his teeth are coming in all crazy. Sorry buddy- I am not sure where you are getting that from. I don't think it is from me but if so, sorry and if it from your birth dad, he is sorry too because nobody wants crazy teeth. Maybe the crazier they come in the better they will look in the end. I dunno what to tell you. I don't have perfect teeth and didn't have braces and I think that I am really happy with my teeth for the most part. My dad had braces and my mom didn't. None of my siblings had braces. I don't like them perfect really so I love your little gargoyle teeth. You are so cute.

So my friend,

Picture of us as above. We are darling. getting big. ( I love showing the few people that know baby boy the pictures of him and me)

Her- Oh man! Is he the cutest thing ever or what!!??

I love her she has the best responses ever, prob because she is also a birth mom and so awesome.

Me- I can't believe how big he is, he is so cute!
Her- He is so cute!... Did you see him today?
Me- last week, it was nice but more and more I am not as attached, it's weird.
Her- yah, last time I saw (her baby she placed) I didn't feel anything. I want to close my adoption.
Me- I'm doing less visits right now. Open adoption is hard on the birth mom if you ask me. I think it's really to much. When (my baby) wants to meet me later down the road, maybe then. Partly I'm still attached just not as much... I'm not ready to close.
Her- I think it was good my first year for healing, but now, I feel like it's no longer helping but hurting instead.
Me- Exactly



Well baby boy- if you ever read this these are just thoughts.
And adoptive mom- if you ever read this which I think you won't I am just speculating.
And adoptive dad- isn't this what you have always wanted? I never know if you really like seeing me or if your wife likes you seeing me??

I am not trying to be mean by all means.

IT IS HARD TO STAY IN CONTACT, you know how when you are in love with someone then it just doesn't work out and your heart goes into pain because you wanted to marry that man and be with hi forever. It is like you broke up with this little baby and his now family and seeing them over and over again be so happy and have perfect lives gets kinda old when your life is scummy and hard. I really can't even put any of the feelings into words.

So I guess I have been thinking about this off and on. I love my friendship with the adoptive mom but this sad part of me thinks what if she thinks I just want to be her friend because she feels bad for me. Maybe this is all my depression speaking from loosing my fiancé.

Adoptive mom wrote me the nicest texts after my awful texts.

I told her I deleted my facebook due to the X
her- oh so sorry. How are you?
me- Hanging in there. The pain means I loved him.. gotta keep going forward. Thanks for asking. I hope you are all doing well. XO
Her- I wish we could help. We love you. Would it make things worse to send pictures of (baby boy) or would you like that?
Me- It wouldn't make things worse. I love seeing him ;) ( I am really grateful that I am able to think that even if I don't meet someone down the road at least I was able to have one baby and even if I am not able to watch him grow daily at least I get once a week or so often)
I am so miserable, in so much pain. I feel like my heart is stinging... everyday I go to work and come home and get in bed... I miss him. I'm confused, I'm sad.... I'm grieving.
Him being the X. It's interesting how similar the pain of baby boy and X is. With baby it was more physical, but the depression is similar. Any way I'm sure you don't want my sob story. Sweet dreams.
Her- sent video. I wasn't sure and didn't know if me sending pictures would be hard for you or not.
her- No I don't mind at all. Do want to talk?
me- I'm not in the talking mood. Thank you though. I can't believe he can do the recorder! Brilliant little guy. I'm glad I got to see him and you guys. I miss living close.
her- Me too ;) He is one smart little boy. He loves you. He always will.
me-I hope so, I will be devastated if he ever doesn't. Right now I feel so worthless. Nothing really helps. I feel ugly. Thinking of baby boy really helps. That sweet boy came from me and the hope I'll ever be able to do that again and raise the baby brings all my hope and take my pain for a second.
Then I think having baby and all these emotions is what pushed the X away and then I am sad again. Why did I ever sin against God. Now I am emotionally damaged and I am in my consequence.
 I am alone and maybe I'll always be.
I must be so hated and maybe I'm just this girl that everyone tolerates and I really don't have friends. I'm service project. Depression is amazing how it alters everything.
Even telling you I feel guilty like a burden. Just try to ignore the above messages if possible. I'll be fine someday.
Her-It's going to get better. I hope soon. Sometimes we have grief because of others peoples choices too. Lehi had much sorrow because of choices his sons made. (the x) leaving and giving up isn't because of you. He made that choice on is own and there are other people who would have been more respectful of you situation. I think you will find him. I'm sad it's not (the x), but he was an answer to your prayers at that time.
PS. I understand depression. My depression is different obviously, but it's very real. It can cause the most miserable thoughts and feelings. It alters everything that is around you and toys with your mind. Reality becomes very skewed and worthlessness sets in. I have to...I'm so sad that things didn not work out with (the X)I don't know why, but I'm confident you will see the blessings of this happening, one day. He is a good guy, but there were definitely things that he needed to change to be a good husband to you. I hope you can find someone that loves youfor you AND your mistakes. We all make them so it shouldn't matter. I hope you will find someone that will love what you love and be willing to compromise with you, and give up things that they love because they know it will make you happy. You deserve that. (baby boy's) birth mommy deserves a good husband. And one day it will.

I sent her back a smily and went to sleep.

Oh my life. I can't live with anything.

On another note I haven't been talking to my family and I use to talk to my mom everyday. I just feel like my life is to sad to talk to her about.

I wonder what will happen in 10 years.

This post is for me really only but I think letting people see your heart isn't bad and I want to remember things. I want to see if I really will one day get the good husband I deserve.

I send my best wishes to the X. I saw so much in him. I wish I could only remember the bad but the good is what haunts me. What I love about him. He will always be loved by me.

JASPER- Alice needs you! Where are you?

ALice