sealing----

I have been so happy and okay with everything. THIS IS WHAT I WAITED FOR! This is what I wanted for him. This is what felt right. ALl in ten minutes I was dying again, grief pouring from my soul. 

Ever level of grief

HATRED- hate like I have never hated

Saddness like I have never been sad

Depression-

I met with Charity and cried and cried. it took me 30 mintutes to regroup

The adoptive mom sent me the most lovely email. 

I have a MILLION feelings going through me. I want to write about one thought. 

"I encourage birthmothers to remain in contact with their child in spite of the pain."

http://birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.com/2011/11/can-temple-ordinances-bring-adoptees.html?m=1

Today I wanted to give up everything. I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted to run, Instead here I am in the same city that baby will be sealed to his parent tomorrow. In less then 12 hours. I can't believe it. It is all here. 

I remember telling Heavenly Father that I couldn't do it alone. I couldn't. I can't. I have wonderful support. 

Today as I was leaving Charity's office I couldn't stop crying I called a few people and one friend on my list of ten answered. She said nothing. She listened, she told me I am okay for what I am feeling. I NEVER not once called in sick for work when I was prego and I wanted to call in today but the other worker didn't answer. 

After my friend helped me out I was at work and It felt like days before my next friend, my best friend came to my resuce. 

God sends us angels. 

thanks for praying for my angel to come adoptive parents. Thanks for praying for him every night to come to me. 

He came, he dropped from the sky. 

It takes the sting away. 

Baby boy,

I love you. I want you to know I am doing hard things because I love you. Because God has put love in my heart that I can't get rid of. I wish I could explain this to you but nothing I have ever gone through has made me prepared for this. I hope you will always stay close to the Lord so it always makes sense why you couldn't be in my home forever. 

I have felt good about adoption forever. 

After meeting you parents months ago I have never felt so undeniably sure that you were meant to be with them. YOU ARE> 

Call me anytime you need. I will be here because even though it is so hard not to have you here with me. To not rub my cheek up to yours, to not watch you sleep, to not get to change you cute bum I know that you are meant to be there.

We will forever be together in one way or another. 

God watches out for both of us.

I love you

MAMA ALICE