Depressed November

I was so depressed in November.

I had no idea how much placing my baby would be. He will always be my son but he won't be the one that I get to hold. I don't get to check on him in his crib. I have to wait to hear how he is doing. I chose to do that. All november was so hard. I wanted him. I wanted to hold him I wanted to hear him, I wanted to feel him. I wanted to put my face up to his I wanted to kiss his nose and his lips. I wanted to be the one to hear him wake up at night.

Days like those were so hard. I wanted to be crazy. I wanted to feel things I never felt before. I started making ideas in my head. I wanted the physical love SOOOO bad. I wanted attention. I wanted to be heard.

One day I made a list of the things I wanted to do in between crying at work. I was crying for a good 4 hours. ( I have never done that  but I didn't want to be alone) I felt useless, wasted and unwanted. I wanted to scream but couldn't. I could feel the frown on my face. I felt like everyone knew. Well, my coworkers all knew. They were so worried about me. They cared, kinda.

This was the list I made Friday before Thanksgiving.

1. watch my snake die
2. drive to vegas
3. got to slc on a shopping spree
4. go to a movie alone
5. pour bleack in my fish water
6. get prego again
7. go to a bar
8. key on main slce
9. sushi
10. poetry club
11. slam poetry
12. text everyone that I hate and tell them why 
13. steal the baby back
14. camping alone
15. go shooting
16. buy tickets to CA to meet guys
17. go skydiving
18. drive to Canada
19. fly to houston
20. fly to NV
21. meet x in a nearby city to hook up
22. go skinny dipping
23. go see brother
24. go to hotsprings
25. go to a rest home
26. join tinder and have a hoot up on tinder
27. quit my job
28. job hunt and move soon
29. camping with my skake
30. go to gym
31. book hotel in SLC
32. karoke bar
33. get nails done
34. get hair done
35. .

Instead I went hot tubing and went to dinner with friends then got a frozen hot chocolate. 

I was still depressed. I still hurt. I still wanted to cry but it was a tiny bit more tolerable. I could manage life. 

My coworker also had me look up things to print- it helped

I found another that was a silhouette and on the inside it said help me help me help me

 and then by the lips it said.

 I'm fine. 

I wasn't fine. I wasn't happy. I was sad. I was TERRIBLE,