Little Boy, moments are among us

Hey cute guy. I saw the most adorable video of you with your mom singing the ABC's to you. You were in the bath and just cute as can be. You are growing so healthy and strong. Remember how loved you are and how cute you are.

I love seeing you with your family. I can tell you are so loved and taken care of. You are going to grow up someday and maybe you will never read this and maybe you will. I just hope you know that I thought of you, everyday. Some moments are hard that I don't get to be your mommy but I am really coming to terms with that more and more. I hope you know you have a dad who loves you and a mom who does too. This love will never fade. It will only grow.

I love watching babies who are one years old and a few months thinking that is who will be your friends. I have thought about people you will marry or date and thinking how maybe the woman you marry isn't even born yet! You are still only a baby but your future children are cheering for you and possibly your wife.

Life is so short. Drink up each good moment and learn from the hard ones. Learn from others mistakes that there is always something good ahead. Don't you give up!

Listen to your heart.

XO

Don't lose hope in people, angels are coming

Dearest friend of the weekend,

You have saved me this weekend from despair and sadness. I can't believe I felt prompted to tell you about the baby and then every part of your reaction was perfect. I loved how you let me tell you everything and you were so understanding.

I loved how you said that there is no such thing as a bad emotion but comfortable and un comfortable ones.

I loved how you read the book and looked at each picture for a long time. I loved your face when I said I had a baby a year ago. UTTER SHOCK. HAHA that was the best. I loved being able to share a little bit of my motherhood with you.

Thanks for taking me out of this world of pain as we went shopping, eating at yummy places and though I didn't feed you like I should have you said I did.

I loved hiking with you and getting the must haves. I loved talking to you about challenges in your life. I loved that we have never had a any sort of argument ever. Listening to you I kept thinking, that is exactly what I would have done. You are the biggest angel in my life.

I just posted my blog about feeling alone and you wrote me instantly. I can't believe that.

You win best friend award, for sure. I love your perspectives and your energy towards life. LOVE IT

Little boy- I write this because even in pain we have friends that save us. I hope that the friends that you have will save you someday.

Alice

I can't wait to see you again in a few weeks!

emotion throw up- ideas that aren't solid but hope that is

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I love page views, I love feeling like this blog is helping someone, even if it's just me.

I have written about one of my friends and I think she said this right.

I sent her a picture of me a little boy, who is so cute and his teeth are coming in all crazy. Sorry buddy- I am not sure where you are getting that from. I don't think it is from me but if so, sorry and if it from your birth dad, he is sorry too because nobody wants crazy teeth. Maybe the crazier they come in the better they will look in the end. I dunno what to tell you. I don't have perfect teeth and didn't have braces and I think that I am really happy with my teeth for the most part. My dad had braces and my mom didn't. None of my siblings had braces. I don't like them perfect really so I love your little gargoyle teeth. You are so cute.

So my friend,

Picture of us as above. We are darling. getting big. ( I love showing the few people that know baby boy the pictures of him and me)

Her- Oh man! Is he the cutest thing ever or what!!??

I love her she has the best responses ever, prob because she is also a birth mom and so awesome.

Me- I can't believe how big he is, he is so cute!
Her- He is so cute!... Did you see him today?
Me- last week, it was nice but more and more I am not as attached, it's weird.
Her- yah, last time I saw (her baby she placed) I didn't feel anything. I want to close my adoption.
Me- I'm doing less visits right now. Open adoption is hard on the birth mom if you ask me. I think it's really to much. When (my baby) wants to meet me later down the road, maybe then. Partly I'm still attached just not as much... I'm not ready to close.
Her- I think it was good my first year for healing, but now, I feel like it's no longer helping but hurting instead.
Me- Exactly



Well baby boy- if you ever read this these are just thoughts.
And adoptive mom- if you ever read this which I think you won't I am just speculating.
And adoptive dad- isn't this what you have always wanted? I never know if you really like seeing me or if your wife likes you seeing me??

I am not trying to be mean by all means.

IT IS HARD TO STAY IN CONTACT, you know how when you are in love with someone then it just doesn't work out and your heart goes into pain because you wanted to marry that man and be with hi forever. It is like you broke up with this little baby and his now family and seeing them over and over again be so happy and have perfect lives gets kinda old when your life is scummy and hard. I really can't even put any of the feelings into words.

So I guess I have been thinking about this off and on. I love my friendship with the adoptive mom but this sad part of me thinks what if she thinks I just want to be her friend because she feels bad for me. Maybe this is all my depression speaking from loosing my fiancé.

Adoptive mom wrote me the nicest texts after my awful texts.

I told her I deleted my facebook due to the X
her- oh so sorry. How are you?
me- Hanging in there. The pain means I loved him.. gotta keep going forward. Thanks for asking. I hope you are all doing well. XO
Her- I wish we could help. We love you. Would it make things worse to send pictures of (baby boy) or would you like that?
Me- It wouldn't make things worse. I love seeing him ;) ( I am really grateful that I am able to think that even if I don't meet someone down the road at least I was able to have one baby and even if I am not able to watch him grow daily at least I get once a week or so often)
I am so miserable, in so much pain. I feel like my heart is stinging... everyday I go to work and come home and get in bed... I miss him. I'm confused, I'm sad.... I'm grieving.
Him being the X. It's interesting how similar the pain of baby boy and X is. With baby it was more physical, but the depression is similar. Any way I'm sure you don't want my sob story. Sweet dreams.
Her- sent video. I wasn't sure and didn't know if me sending pictures would be hard for you or not.
her- No I don't mind at all. Do want to talk?
me- I'm not in the talking mood. Thank you though. I can't believe he can do the recorder! Brilliant little guy. I'm glad I got to see him and you guys. I miss living close.
her- Me too ;) He is one smart little boy. He loves you. He always will.
me-I hope so, I will be devastated if he ever doesn't. Right now I feel so worthless. Nothing really helps. I feel ugly. Thinking of baby boy really helps. That sweet boy came from me and the hope I'll ever be able to do that again and raise the baby brings all my hope and take my pain for a second.
Then I think having baby and all these emotions is what pushed the X away and then I am sad again. Why did I ever sin against God. Now I am emotionally damaged and I am in my consequence.
 I am alone and maybe I'll always be.
I must be so hated and maybe I'm just this girl that everyone tolerates and I really don't have friends. I'm service project. Depression is amazing how it alters everything.
Even telling you I feel guilty like a burden. Just try to ignore the above messages if possible. I'll be fine someday.
Her-It's going to get better. I hope soon. Sometimes we have grief because of others peoples choices too. Lehi had much sorrow because of choices his sons made. (the x) leaving and giving up isn't because of you. He made that choice on is own and there are other people who would have been more respectful of you situation. I think you will find him. I'm sad it's not (the x), but he was an answer to your prayers at that time.
PS. I understand depression. My depression is different obviously, but it's very real. It can cause the most miserable thoughts and feelings. It alters everything that is around you and toys with your mind. Reality becomes very skewed and worthlessness sets in. I have to...I'm so sad that things didn not work out with (the X)I don't know why, but I'm confident you will see the blessings of this happening, one day. He is a good guy, but there were definitely things that he needed to change to be a good husband to you. I hope you can find someone that loves youfor you AND your mistakes. We all make them so it shouldn't matter. I hope you will find someone that will love what you love and be willing to compromise with you, and give up things that they love because they know it will make you happy. You deserve that. (baby boy's) birth mommy deserves a good husband. And one day it will.

I sent her back a smily and went to sleep.

Oh my life. I can't live with anything.

On another note I haven't been talking to my family and I use to talk to my mom everyday. I just feel like my life is to sad to talk to her about.

I wonder what will happen in 10 years.

This post is for me really only but I think letting people see your heart isn't bad and I want to remember things. I want to see if I really will one day get the good husband I deserve.

I send my best wishes to the X. I saw so much in him. I wish I could only remember the bad but the good is what haunts me. What I love about him. He will always be loved by me.

JASPER- Alice needs you! Where are you?

ALice

No one else will ever know

I wonder when all heart ache will be gone. Have you seen the Giver? In the Giver there are birth moms and watching them just give their baby away to some family and that is there job to be prego and just give and give and give. I know the movie doesn't really touch on this but I am pained from it. I wish that I could be more heartless and not care. This is one of the hardest things I have been through. Through time I am getting better but really the memory is pain. I love that I was able to do that for the family. I am grateful that I could do something for someone that they at the time couldn't do for themselves. Ironically I go through an odd thing were I don't feel appreciated. I know I am, but sometimes I feel like I just am some person. The girl that was supposed to do this. I think that is the devil and pride getting in my heart. I do the same with all my relationships. I will start to think that I do to much that I give more then I should and I am making myself desperate. For the little boy sometimes I get sad and wish I didn't think he was cute. Why is it easy to hate over feel? Today I am going to see you little boy. I am sure you will be cute. I will be so sad the day you cry and don't want me to hug you. I am not your mother, I am your birth mom. I am really okay with that though. God has told me and nothing that anyone ever says to me will be able to prick my heart again... I will forgive and love. I will be more like Jesus. I am living for God. I use to think, I have to be good for you but really I want you to live for God, not anyone else. For God. He has been a part of life before you were even born. He really lead me and was there with me. I always liked going to church and he was the one at church with me. He was in the the older man with homemade suits from his late wife. He was in the chairs and the building. I was in his house. He went on walks with me. He was with me. Live for God. I love this quote



 "No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside" 

one for the money two for the show

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"I have been thinking of you all week. I wanted to get you a present for Mother's Day but didn't know what to get. I'm bad at gifts. I think you are an amazing  mom. Seriously, the most selfless, loving, patient, and generous mom in the world. I really admire you. Honestly. When I think of you as a motherhood I just cry every time. I can't imagine a more Christlike person. Thank you for allowing me to be involved with a small part of your motherhood experience. It means the world to me and taught me many valuable lessons that I could not have learned any other way"

This will always be one of the most thoughtful emails I have ever gotten. It warms my soul from the inside out. I really think about it at least once a month. 

This woman is so loving, she is my she daddy. She was there through the thick and then thin. 

For kind words I could never repay. I don't really know if they are true but knowing that she thought them that is what warms my soul. She thinks of me as a mom. She learned with me. It makes me think I can be better and be the person that she thinks of.

I have a blanket that I held little baby in when he came home with me and sometimes I can't help but put it next to me and think of him. It isn't just memorable from him it has other memories tied into it but it still means something to me. 

I love that little guy who just started walking. He is a dream. He is in my dreams he is part of what helps me not put myself in bad circumstances. I wonder if he will ever really love me but I don't really care anymore. I loved him first. I loved him to make a good home for his body as he grew. I love peeking in on his life. It is great.

I love feeling and thinking. I am happy and calm these days. It is great

;)

I don't know what to think

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Wow, there have been so many views. I don't know who has been reading but I am sure this has been depressing lately because I have been a little cray lately. With the engagement being off and all it has been one of the hardest things I have done but really my life is kinda full of hard things. I am going to get through this though... I get through it all it is one mountain climb at a time.

So about a week ago I went to the library and just as I was checking out it was the birth dad's sister behind the counter. I gave her one look at just headed the other way. Talk about crazy, what do you do in that instance? She seems caught off guard and didn't really look at me when I came back and I got checked out by a guy. I would say she was more uneasy then me. I kept waiting to see her name or something but that was her for sure. I looked like a Saturday morning, wearing my boyfriends brown shirt, jean shorts and shoes. I had my hair all pinned up and just had been on a light walk.

It was SO SO weird. I forget to tell the adoptive family just because it would be nice to know but I haven't. I mean she didn't talk to me but I can't help but wonder what she thinks. Honestly I think either she hates me for giving away her brothers baby or she agrees with me.

I for one am very grateful that they have all done what I asked and respected me and my family and friends by not contacting us. I guess in return i should do the same. I didn't talk to her or anything but being the library by my house i am leery of going again. I guess life lives on.

I hope the birth dad's family understands the why, how and the love for our baby. Although our baby boy is and will always carry attributes like us we don't love another. We didn't really try to. I think we make cute babies but all in all there won't be anymore babies made by the two of us...

I still wish that baby boy could have a sibling but if he doesn't get one, I know he will still be blessed by family and friends around him. He is cute as a button and fun and friendly. He is SO busy.

I think this distant stage has been really awkward for me. The babies mom is busy, we live away from another and thankfully they send me a picture a week and I look forward to it.

I dunno. just boring thoughts today but thoughts none the less.

We aren't ever alone.

Alice

visit- so many different thoughts

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I wondered for so long, how was I going to feel when I saw the baby. It took loosing my sweet boyfriend from all this hurt and anxiety and feeling so sad and taking it out on the "whipping boy" to discover that after I visited little boy yesterday that I feel more emotionally detached then ever. I thought my heart would always ache. I thought that I wouldn't stop. I think after going through so much hurt and feeling like his mom kinda got a little cray cray on me and seeing her protect him and herself and her husband, even if it was from me.

I didn't know until I saw him.

He is so happy. SO healthy. I didn't feel like I had to stay forever. I didn't feel like my heart was breaking as he smiled at me with 3 teeth. I didn't feel like I should have brought a filmmer to get every minute on film so I could watch it over and over again. Instead I felt different.

I feel like the hurt is leaving and the joy is coming in more. After hurting for so long, a year it is like being so upset at the one year really got so much out of me. I bled out. I am sure it isn't the end but I am not feeling like I can't text the mom because I don't think to myself, are the alternative motives.

I still love that little boy but it is getting less mother bear feeling.

I feel more emotionally detached then ever. I think a lot has to do with being so numb in my heart ache. My fiancé and I broke off the engagement. I was hurting so bad and couldn't deal with so much going on.

The saddest thing is, I don't really know if we will get back together. Usually I would miss this little boy in anytime that I didn't feel loved, this time I think the fiance got me through more then I thought.

Thank you now boyfriend.

I think forever I will always wonder but that is grief.
I think forever I will someday get depressed, but that is grief.
I think forever I will be sad on july 8th, but that is grief.
I think forever I will be mad and get mad at someone- that isn't fair to anyone, but that is grief.
I know forever I will be okay, because my choice changed the world, it was the will of God. I won't have the answers but I will have peace.


I know forever he will be loved. He loves us, God loves us, He is with us forever.

Alice