Monday, May 18, 2015
Happy mother's day to everyone and me
pv 4609
SO I woke up in Pocatello Idaho. I had a 6 bedroom apartment to myself so naturally my boyfriend came. While he was still sleeping and I was about to cook breakfast I got a call from my baby's mom and my baby. Is he still a baby because he is under 2? He talks and does the cutest stuff. Anyways, they called me and sang me a song.
Happy Mother's day
Happy Mother's day
Happy Mother's day
Happy Mother's day
Happy Mother's day
It was in my head the rest of the day- that sweet boys voice and his sweet mommy. I love them both.
It really melted my heart. It really is the little things.
I told my friend in September about baby boy and she sent me the nicest, thoughtful text.
Happy Mother's Day! I see the love you have for (baby boy) and what a wonderful mom you are to him. Hope you feel loved and appreciated today for the special mom that you are!! Love you!!
My friend that the birth dad told who has been my friend for ages sent one too.
"I woke up thinking about you this morning and wanted to wish you a Happy Mother's day! You are the most selfless kind of mother there is. Love you! I hope your day is great.
My dad wished me a happy mother's day which was SUPRISING and so did my sweet sis.
My cousin got me feet stuff for Mothers day- I JUST LOVE it too. It is from Melaeuca and I recommended it for sure.
and about 15 mintues ago I got this from the babies mom.
I'm just making dinner and watching (baby boy) play with his doggy outside and am overwhelmed with love and gratitude to God for him. Thanks for trusting me to be his mom. Thanks for serving a mission and being so wonderful to (our common friend and my mission comp that passed) so that we have that connection. Oh my.. I feel like I'm writing a love letter. Ha ha. but seriously I am so grateful for you and what a wonderful birth mommy you are. (baby boy) is the luckiest.
I AM THE LUCKIEST.
I hear stories of other birth moms and the adoptive mom doesn't let the birth mom take pictures with the baby or they don't send pictures. On our end we went over to my friends house for dinner on Saturday and it was so normal. I kissed the heck out of that sweet little boy and my friends little girl too. I just love them both but I just want that sweet baby boy to always know I am so loving him, forever. He is SO SO cute. I miss him each time I am not with him and wish I could be with him always but I am so happy he has a loving environment that he learns Spanish and he grows up with his cousins and he doesn't get bounced around. I always worry that he will one day hate that I did that to him- placed him for adoption but he would hate me worse for bouncing him between two parents and that is one more reason why adoption felt and feels so right.
That is the one thing that I am grateful for. I might feel like my heart is walking on the outside of my body in a whole different zip code but I couldn't be happier for the environment he is growing up in. HE IS SO CUTE.
I am so grateful for open adoption. It is different but it is normal- at least for me.
Happy mothers day to all the woman I know.
Oh that sweet boyfriend of mine made me breakfast the next day and he made sure I got a rose when we went to lunch( we were out of town so we did go out on Sunday) My most favorite part of him was when he came up behind me when he first woke up and hugged me from behind and whispered in my ear, happy mothers day.
I AM A FREAKING MOM- though I feel like a single mom without a baby I am a mom. I get my moments with the sweetest babe in the world and like my other friend said, having a baby is like crack you just want more and your body craves is.
I can't wait till I have a baby and make babies with my baby. a baby being a husband of course.
I dream of that, I never use to till this sweet little boy grew up a body in my belly.
Once again- I love you all. I love this and I love love.
mama alice.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Mothers day night
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I must say one thing- I love my family. The family that lives 30 minutes away. The family that teases me and that I tease. The family that gives the sweetest baby boy, their son and my son loves and true love at that.
Yesterday was PEFECT!
I got to kiss sweet boy all over and he came right to me. Oh that skin, those eyes, that nose, those lips, those hands those everything. I love that sweet kid! So we were eating dinner and I was sitting by him and he was not able to get every last bit of his spaghetti and so I was helping him get it. I reached for his fork and he pulled it away from me and smiled at me. THAT CUTIE, sneaky and tease! Dinner was Hawaiian which is one of my favorites. YUM! His daddy taught him to say "happy day" that voice just makes me want to melt. It is SO cute.
He kept coming over to me at the dinner table and I would lift him up 3 times then he would run back to his room and then come back and I would do it again. It was a BLAST! He kept letting me tickle him and his mom got the cutest little video of it. SO FUN! We just laughed the whole night.
I could listen to that laugh forever.
His bath he was so cute. His mom talked about this rash he had on his bum and he kept saying bum and pointing at it with a concerned face hahaha so cute. They are teaching him Happy birthday so he can sing it on his birthday which is SO cute. He sings it with his mom and splashes in the bathtub as they sing it and he will say SPLASH.
Happy birthday to you- SPLASH
Happy birthday to you SPLAsh and so on it is so fun and cute.
Then we put him to bed and he kept wrestling with his dad and then he climbed on my belly and was bouncing on it. I couldn't help but think- that belly is where you grew! I didn't say anything.
He also would rotate kisses to all of us which is SO cute and fun.
Oh his mom LOVED the picture. What a relief. I hate when worries get in your way. She is going to hang it in the play room.
When baby boy went to bed we talked for hours and I loved it.
Talked about parenting. Gays, treating everyone equaling. How they are going to deal with people who come into their house. Just good stuff.
I love that family. PERFECT mothers day night.
To my sweet baby boy- I always wonder what you will be like when you get older and when you were born I couldn't help but think you would change the world. You have changed so many worlds already and you don't even know it but you will change more and more. You have wonderful families and love all around you. You are growing up so sweet and kind. I heard you like to bite sometimes and I am grateful you are soft with me and don't bite me. Your teeth would eat me right up and even though I would love your sweet kisses I want to watch you grow up more and more. I am so shocked you aren't taller and I think you will be. I had a dream of you when you are older and I can so see how you are going to be SO fun and yet inquisitive and smart. You are SO loved. Your mama Alice loves you. Your parents ADORE you and think you are the best thing in the world. I must say- you are. Your my best thing I have ever made! Thanks for letting me grow you buddy. You deserve this life and this life deserves every bit of you in it that we can all get. I miss you already and can't wait to go to the aquarium with you. OH and you speak Spanish! Brilliant! Your sweet mom and dad are growing a little Samuel. It is DARLING! XOXOXOOX
XOXOXOXOOXOXOXOX
mama alice
OH ps- They gave me a cute frame with a picture of baby boy and I and some cute pictures and a dog card. They are truly the best lovers ever. Oh and some chocolate.
What should I do for fathers day?
Oh sometimes I feel like we really all 3 had a baby. He is so much like us. All of us and yet he is so his own. I feel bad that the birth dad will never get to see the beauty of this adoption and that someday when fathers day comes for him he will be all alone without a cute kid thinking he is so funny. But I know that him not being in the picture is the best thing.
Being tossed family to family is not that way to live a life. That I know and God always put in my heart that adoption for baby boy was the best and God knows best.
The peace that came with the RIGHT family is un explainable. Absolutely perfect and complete.
LOVE YOU ALL!
I must say one thing- I love my family. The family that lives 30 minutes away. The family that teases me and that I tease. The family that gives the sweetest baby boy, their son and my son loves and true love at that.
Yesterday was PEFECT!
I got to kiss sweet boy all over and he came right to me. Oh that skin, those eyes, that nose, those lips, those hands those everything. I love that sweet kid! So we were eating dinner and I was sitting by him and he was not able to get every last bit of his spaghetti and so I was helping him get it. I reached for his fork and he pulled it away from me and smiled at me. THAT CUTIE, sneaky and tease! Dinner was Hawaiian which is one of my favorites. YUM! His daddy taught him to say "happy day" that voice just makes me want to melt. It is SO cute.
He kept coming over to me at the dinner table and I would lift him up 3 times then he would run back to his room and then come back and I would do it again. It was a BLAST! He kept letting me tickle him and his mom got the cutest little video of it. SO FUN! We just laughed the whole night.
I could listen to that laugh forever.
His bath he was so cute. His mom talked about this rash he had on his bum and he kept saying bum and pointing at it with a concerned face hahaha so cute. They are teaching him Happy birthday so he can sing it on his birthday which is SO cute. He sings it with his mom and splashes in the bathtub as they sing it and he will say SPLASH.
Happy birthday to you- SPLASH
Happy birthday to you SPLAsh and so on it is so fun and cute.
Then we put him to bed and he kept wrestling with his dad and then he climbed on my belly and was bouncing on it. I couldn't help but think- that belly is where you grew! I didn't say anything.
He also would rotate kisses to all of us which is SO cute and fun.
Oh his mom LOVED the picture. What a relief. I hate when worries get in your way. She is going to hang it in the play room.
When baby boy went to bed we talked for hours and I loved it.
Talked about parenting. Gays, treating everyone equaling. How they are going to deal with people who come into their house. Just good stuff.
I love that family. PERFECT mothers day night.
To my sweet baby boy- I always wonder what you will be like when you get older and when you were born I couldn't help but think you would change the world. You have changed so many worlds already and you don't even know it but you will change more and more. You have wonderful families and love all around you. You are growing up so sweet and kind. I heard you like to bite sometimes and I am grateful you are soft with me and don't bite me. Your teeth would eat me right up and even though I would love your sweet kisses I want to watch you grow up more and more. I am so shocked you aren't taller and I think you will be. I had a dream of you when you are older and I can so see how you are going to be SO fun and yet inquisitive and smart. You are SO loved. Your mama Alice loves you. Your parents ADORE you and think you are the best thing in the world. I must say- you are. Your my best thing I have ever made! Thanks for letting me grow you buddy. You deserve this life and this life deserves every bit of you in it that we can all get. I miss you already and can't wait to go to the aquarium with you. OH and you speak Spanish! Brilliant! Your sweet mom and dad are growing a little Samuel. It is DARLING! XOXOXOOX
XOXOXOXOOXOXOXOX
mama alice
OH ps- They gave me a cute frame with a picture of baby boy and I and some cute pictures and a dog card. They are truly the best lovers ever. Oh and some chocolate.
What should I do for fathers day?
Oh sometimes I feel like we really all 3 had a baby. He is so much like us. All of us and yet he is so his own. I feel bad that the birth dad will never get to see the beauty of this adoption and that someday when fathers day comes for him he will be all alone without a cute kid thinking he is so funny. But I know that him not being in the picture is the best thing.
Being tossed family to family is not that way to live a life. That I know and God always put in my heart that adoption for baby boy was the best and God knows best.
The peace that came with the RIGHT family is un explainable. Absolutely perfect and complete.
LOVE YOU ALL!
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
mothers day gift and the lovely friends of my friend
4509 page views
Remember my friend that passed away from Cancer? She is SO lovely. I met some of her friends at the funeral and the month before she passed and they invited me out last night to the most fun night and somehow I told someone I had a baby and placed him with baby's mom who everyone knows. They all went to a camp together. So cute right? (but I thought all of them knew but not everyone did, I almost got emotional.) Almost.
They are seriously so great. They made me feel so loved and wanted and like one of the girls yet I just met them. I would do anything for all of them. They are so good at making people feel so loved. Honestly I can't remember everyone's name but it was really fun.
I gave them this blog link after I kinda walked them through being prego and the journey of family 1 getting prego. Thinking about 3rd family through the pregnancy off and on but not connecting things till June. Then telling family 2 no through an email on Fathers day which I realize was so idiot of me but I didn't even think of it then.
Anyways- I am so thankful for people who care- We all need love. ALL OF US.
I got the most darling thing for baby boys mom for mothers day. BUT I HAVE BEEN SO WORRIED that she might hate it. It is a picture of the two of us kissing baby boy on Mothers day last year. It just arrived. I am kinda glad that she doesn't read the blog so I can write about surprises on here. I asked her sister if she thought she would love it or hate it. Her sister said she will love it well fingers crossed. If she doesn't like it She can give it back and I will hang it up somewhere. I got 16X20 which is kinda big I know but I couldn't help myself.
here is what it kinda looks like: Except we are standing. If you would like to see it text me. It is cute. and we are both girls. I searched 2 moms kissing baby and nothing came up. Darn it.
The clean up wouldn't be that cute- I think baby's dad would for sure kill me hahahahahahaha Which I sometimes think is so fun to tease him, okay ALL the time. We are so lucky to have another. He gives me the best, simple advice. It is so refreshing. I love baby's dad. Now what to do for Fathers day for him? I got matching ties for him and baby boy last year and the tie was to big for last year, darn it! I dunno about this year. He is really a great dad. Both him and his wife. I couldn't have chosen better parents for baby boy- thank goodness God led us together.
I am so excited to give her the picture- she will love it. Fingers Crossed.
Love you all and baby boy- I can't wait to kiss you soon!
Remember my friend that passed away from Cancer? She is SO lovely. I met some of her friends at the funeral and the month before she passed and they invited me out last night to the most fun night and somehow I told someone I had a baby and placed him with baby's mom who everyone knows. They all went to a camp together. So cute right? (but I thought all of them knew but not everyone did, I almost got emotional.) Almost.
They are seriously so great. They made me feel so loved and wanted and like one of the girls yet I just met them. I would do anything for all of them. They are so good at making people feel so loved. Honestly I can't remember everyone's name but it was really fun.
I gave them this blog link after I kinda walked them through being prego and the journey of family 1 getting prego. Thinking about 3rd family through the pregnancy off and on but not connecting things till June. Then telling family 2 no through an email on Fathers day which I realize was so idiot of me but I didn't even think of it then.
Anyways- I am so thankful for people who care- We all need love. ALL OF US.
I got the most darling thing for baby boys mom for mothers day. BUT I HAVE BEEN SO WORRIED that she might hate it. It is a picture of the two of us kissing baby boy on Mothers day last year. It just arrived. I am kinda glad that she doesn't read the blog so I can write about surprises on here. I asked her sister if she thought she would love it or hate it. Her sister said she will love it well fingers crossed. If she doesn't like it She can give it back and I will hang it up somewhere. I got 16X20 which is kinda big I know but I couldn't help myself.
here is what it kinda looks like: Except we are standing. If you would like to see it text me. It is cute. and we are both girls. I searched 2 moms kissing baby and nothing came up. Darn it.
isn't this so cute?
The clean up wouldn't be that cute- I think baby's dad would for sure kill me hahahahahahaha Which I sometimes think is so fun to tease him, okay ALL the time. We are so lucky to have another. He gives me the best, simple advice. It is so refreshing. I love baby's dad. Now what to do for Fathers day for him? I got matching ties for him and baby boy last year and the tie was to big for last year, darn it! I dunno about this year. He is really a great dad. Both him and his wife. I couldn't have chosen better parents for baby boy- thank goodness God led us together.
I am so excited to give her the picture- she will love it. Fingers Crossed.
Love you all and baby boy- I can't wait to kiss you soon!
Friday, April 17, 2015
The power of writing and reading and life
I have a friend at work (she works 2 hours north of me and we email)who opened up to me and told me some intimate details about her life. I am always skeptical about sharing this blog but I sent it to her. I didn't know if she would read it or not but I trust her and think she is an awesome girl. I feel like we are more pen pals but I really like her.
I hadn't heard from her so I wrote her this morning,
"I hope you are doing well today and I didn’t overwhelm you!"
She wrote me back and said
I don't think people realize, excuse me, I don't think I realize the power of this blog and the power of writing. Sometimes I do wonder
I wrote her back....
She wrote back
I hadn't heard from her so I wrote her this morning,
"I hope you are doing well today and I didn’t overwhelm you!"
She wrote me back and said
No! You didn’t… I read your
whole blog last night ( really, ALL of it!!! ). My heart broke for you. I am so
so sorry L That was so brave of you to do that. I couldn’t.. I
tried, but I just couldn’t.( personal stuff....)My husband, yes, I met him 7 years ago, my daughter was 3, turning 4. He
has adopted my daughter, since her dad didn’t really care one way or another. I
know you will find someone who will look at you and love you for all you are
and have done, and for all that it taught you.
I wrote her back....
I can’t help but love you. I am
so shocked and amazed, you read all of it. haha Yes, (my X) and I broke up
basically because of it but I love my little sweet boy and my adoption but I
also have challenging times. I am dating a new guy and it is really good. He has
a kid but it is pretty good. I hope it isn’t too depressing
haha ;) I LOVE your husband for being
such a MAN! That is great. I just want you to write your story- it is
incredible! I am going to blog about you reading the blog is that okay?
She wrote back
Hahaha, yes it is okay. It wasn’t
depressing, I saw so much of my own feelings from the beginning , or before I
decided I couldn’t do an adoption. But the fear I felt in the beginning, all
the same thoughts.. So much pain involved… You will have challenging times,
I am sure, but you did what you did because you decided that was best for the
baby at the time, and that is anything but selfish, because you knew you would
feel that void your whole life but you still wanted him to have an amazing
life. And that is beautiful. (my X) is a jackass if he cant see that! But, if it
makes you feel better, my husband and I broke up three times within a year of
dating because it was hard for him, not because he didn’t love me or thought
less of me, but because he was afraid of being a dad, and he was afraid
that all the pain I had gone through would hurt us but things feel into place,
and I know it will for you, because the right guy may be scared, but he will
want you anyways!
I am just beyond feeling loved and validated. It is truly amazing how just the written word can mean so much. SHE READ MY WHOLE BLOG! I have 69 views from her yesterday. I just thought nobody really cared, or at least I think sometimes nobody cares about me. I care so why wouldn't others?
I really love my little boy and of course I will feel the pain of not having him the rest of my life, yesterday was one of those days... I just wish he needed me... he doesn't. He has lovely parents who God lead me to and I choose for them. My little heart walks on the outside of my body and GOSH HE IS PERFECT. I am just as those moms on facebook and social media and think my little boy is perfect. He is. He is mine and is someway, he is mine forever.
I love my coworker for being so great.
I am just beyond feeling loved and validated. It is truly amazing how just the written word can mean so much. SHE READ MY WHOLE BLOG! I have 69 views from her yesterday. I just thought nobody really cared, or at least I think sometimes nobody cares about me. I care so why wouldn't others?
I really love my little boy and of course I will feel the pain of not having him the rest of my life, yesterday was one of those days... I just wish he needed me... he doesn't. He has lovely parents who God lead me to and I choose for them. My little heart walks on the outside of my body and GOSH HE IS PERFECT. I am just as those moms on facebook and social media and think my little boy is perfect. He is. He is mine and is someway, he is mine forever.
I love my coworker for being so great.
This image really spoke to me. Here I am writing and I truly feel like I see this in my writing.
ISN'T this powerful?
This song just popped up on my Pandora- wow
You know, my friend died and I wish I could read her every thought, I bet only a handful of people really care about all these things but those that do care, I hope it is helping you and I do care about you like the song below.
"All About You"
Why does she make sure to be so immature about these things, I don’t want you to change around it
And sometimes this love will end and all will be forgotten then someday we will laugh about it
And you say that it's alright
And I know that it’s a lie
From the black in your eyes
You don’t have to do this on your own
Like there’s no one that cares about you
You don’t have to act like you're alone
Like the walls are closing in around you
You don’t have to pretend no one knows
Like there’s no one that understands you
I’m not just some face you used to know
I know all about you
And you should know that someone cares about you
I know all about you
Here I am still holding on you’re finding ways to break the bonds, they’re stronger than you realize
You could say that I’ve not tried, I’ve let you down, left you behind but you’re the one who’s saying goodbye
And you say that it's alright
And I know that it’s a lie
From the black in your eyes
You don’t have to do this on your own
Like there’s no one that cares about you
You don’t have to act like you're alone
Like the walls are closing in around you
You don’t have to pretend no one knows
Like there’s no one that understands you
I’m not just some face you used to know
I know all about you
And you should know that someone cares about you
I know all about you
And you should know that someone cares about you
I know all about you
And you say that it's alright
And I know that it’s a lie
From the black in your eyes
Here I am still holding on you’re finding ways to break the bonds, they’re stronger than you realize
And you could say that I’ve not tried, I’ve let you down, left you behind but you’re the one who’s saying goodbye
And you don’t have to do this on your own
Like there’s no one that cares about you
You don’t have to act like you're alone
Like the walls are closing in around you
You don’t have to pretend no one knows
Like there’s no one that understands you
I’m not just some face you used to know
I know all about you
I know all about you
And sometimes this love will end and all will be forgotten then someday we will laugh about it
And you say that it's alright
And I know that it’s a lie
From the black in your eyes
You don’t have to do this on your own
Like there’s no one that cares about you
You don’t have to act like you're alone
Like the walls are closing in around you
You don’t have to pretend no one knows
Like there’s no one that understands you
I’m not just some face you used to know
I know all about you
And you should know that someone cares about you
I know all about you
Here I am still holding on you’re finding ways to break the bonds, they’re stronger than you realize
You could say that I’ve not tried, I’ve let you down, left you behind but you’re the one who’s saying goodbye
And you say that it's alright
And I know that it’s a lie
From the black in your eyes
You don’t have to do this on your own
Like there’s no one that cares about you
You don’t have to act like you're alone
Like the walls are closing in around you
You don’t have to pretend no one knows
Like there’s no one that understands you
I’m not just some face you used to know
I know all about you
And you should know that someone cares about you
I know all about you
And you should know that someone cares about you
I know all about you
And you say that it's alright
And I know that it’s a lie
From the black in your eyes
Here I am still holding on you’re finding ways to break the bonds, they’re stronger than you realize
And you could say that I’ve not tried, I’ve let you down, left you behind but you’re the one who’s saying goodbye
And you don’t have to do this on your own
Like there’s no one that cares about you
You don’t have to act like you're alone
Like the walls are closing in around you
You don’t have to pretend no one knows
Like there’s no one that understands you
I’m not just some face you used to know
I know all about you
I know all about you
Friday, April 3, 2015
Response for Brooke
I have a darling birth mom friend. Her name is Brooke. This is what she wrote on our birth mom facebook page.
"I posted in the ole blog today! I would love some feedback. Maybe some advice or opinions too! Feel free to share to your other birth mom friends who aren't part of the group. I want as much advice as possible. Thanks! xoxo "
Brooke this post is completely for you. I am going to comment on all your little posts. I call you yesterday and then when I got your text I was driving to see a friend so I couldn't call you back.
1. Completely incompetent around her
I think with my little boy I was so stand offish not because I felt incompetent but because I didn't want to hurt the adopted parents. I wanted to run to him constantly. I was just talking to his Aunt this last week and she brought up that little boys dad would call her in the night when little boys mom was gone and be like, what do I do to get him to stop crying and what do I do to help. Partly it hurt my feelings, I lived only a few blocks from them but really this was their bonding time. A couple months ago I saw baby boy and he only wanted his mom. He didn't want me. THAT HURTS, I have to be so open with my feelings or the burn my soul down. I just told him, I want to hold you because I love you and it makes me sad you won't let me kiss you and hug you. Worst fear for me that he doesn't want me- GRRR. Then again it is what I want, I would hope he would want his parents over me, then that means he is being taken care of and they are being parents. You are and I am still the mom to these little children but they don't get to be with us. I like to say I am a single mom with no kids. I use to stay awake at night thinking about what he is doing if he is happy. What he was doing right then, if he was napping, eating. I am happy I am past that because I couldn't live my life. Anyway, I think you are a great mom to S and you will be a great mom to your little future children who are cheering for you in heaven!
2. Obligated to feel so comfortable with all of this
My blog is my out. I write things I should never write but I ABSOLUTELY need the validation and my gosh my little heart is walking outside of my body. I am SO SO SO sensitive about the silliest things. My poor friends, family and boyfriends that have to deal me with educating everyone on placing and being so mean about birth dads because of course the girl is always right..... or so I feel and need to work on but it is hard. The more I talk about it openly with people I love and care about the more comfortable and normal this feels. I just wish people weren't so quick to put a scarlet letter on peoples chests for breaking a law of God but I have felt like that. We need the atonement, anyway. Those are my feelings. It is the best thing I have ever been through, never have I been closer to my God and never had I felt more loved with that but it was tough and still is.
3. Scared of babies
I RUN to all babies. At first every baby reminded me of baby boy but now I am just in love with babies. They love you back so easily. Maybe try to be around more babies? You can so do this! I love reading your thoughts Brooke.
4. Irritated at people who treat placement like it ain't no thing but a chicken wing
AMEN! No chicken wings here. I think sometimes I down play it. I think people only see the adoption as the couple that has wanted a baby forever got their baby and they don't think of the poor birth mom shattered in the corner, alone, her body pouring with milk for nobody to feast on. There she is broken and wounded but the world seems to treat the adoptive family so nicely. I think birth moms get the hoe bag wrap and they get such a emotional baggage stamp on their back.... I am getting fired up. I wish people weren't so ignorant and cruel. This is no chicken wing, grief is real and real is grief.
How do I want to be treated? Like a hero because that is what I am a hero. My friends that treat me as such feels the most comfortable.
hero-noun, plural heroes;
5. Grieving a loss
I am amazed with the times I go through this loss. I feel the exact same as you.
6. Baby hungry
I agree, give me my family now. I want it the way that I have always wanted. This is my dream. Always has been. I am a hopeless romantic to the core and I first want that dreamy husband and that beautiful baby wrapped in a blanket for me to hold and stay awake with for hours and listen for the cry at church and to watch get on the bus for the first day of school. I want to walk through the grocery store and people to tell me how beautiful my baby is. I want my husband to push the stroller and me to hold his arm and go on walks. I want that, I crave it.
I love you Brooke- Keep opening up, keep healing. Keep on keeping on. I am here for you daily, hourly and by the minute.
I wish we could go to dinner and a movie. Thanks for being so sweet to me through such a hard time of my life and yet a beautiful time. I love you.
Love mama alice
"I posted in the ole blog today! I would love some feedback. Maybe some advice or opinions too! Feel free to share to your other birth mom friends who aren't part of the group. I want as much advice as possible. Thanks! xoxo "
Brooke this post is completely for you. I am going to comment on all your little posts. I call you yesterday and then when I got your text I was driving to see a friend so I couldn't call you back.
1. Completely incompetent around her
I think with my little boy I was so stand offish not because I felt incompetent but because I didn't want to hurt the adopted parents. I wanted to run to him constantly. I was just talking to his Aunt this last week and she brought up that little boys dad would call her in the night when little boys mom was gone and be like, what do I do to get him to stop crying and what do I do to help. Partly it hurt my feelings, I lived only a few blocks from them but really this was their bonding time. A couple months ago I saw baby boy and he only wanted his mom. He didn't want me. THAT HURTS, I have to be so open with my feelings or the burn my soul down. I just told him, I want to hold you because I love you and it makes me sad you won't let me kiss you and hug you. Worst fear for me that he doesn't want me- GRRR. Then again it is what I want, I would hope he would want his parents over me, then that means he is being taken care of and they are being parents. You are and I am still the mom to these little children but they don't get to be with us. I like to say I am a single mom with no kids. I use to stay awake at night thinking about what he is doing if he is happy. What he was doing right then, if he was napping, eating. I am happy I am past that because I couldn't live my life. Anyway, I think you are a great mom to S and you will be a great mom to your little future children who are cheering for you in heaven!
2. Obligated to feel so comfortable with all of this
My blog is my out. I write things I should never write but I ABSOLUTELY need the validation and my gosh my little heart is walking outside of my body. I am SO SO SO sensitive about the silliest things. My poor friends, family and boyfriends that have to deal me with educating everyone on placing and being so mean about birth dads because of course the girl is always right..... or so I feel and need to work on but it is hard. The more I talk about it openly with people I love and care about the more comfortable and normal this feels. I just wish people weren't so quick to put a scarlet letter on peoples chests for breaking a law of God but I have felt like that. We need the atonement, anyway. Those are my feelings. It is the best thing I have ever been through, never have I been closer to my God and never had I felt more loved with that but it was tough and still is.
3. Scared of babies
I RUN to all babies. At first every baby reminded me of baby boy but now I am just in love with babies. They love you back so easily. Maybe try to be around more babies? You can so do this! I love reading your thoughts Brooke.
4. Irritated at people who treat placement like it ain't no thing but a chicken wing
AMEN! No chicken wings here. I think sometimes I down play it. I think people only see the adoption as the couple that has wanted a baby forever got their baby and they don't think of the poor birth mom shattered in the corner, alone, her body pouring with milk for nobody to feast on. There she is broken and wounded but the world seems to treat the adoptive family so nicely. I think birth moms get the hoe bag wrap and they get such a emotional baggage stamp on their back.... I am getting fired up. I wish people weren't so ignorant and cruel. This is no chicken wing, grief is real and real is grief.
How do I want to be treated? Like a hero because that is what I am a hero. My friends that treat me as such feels the most comfortable.
1.
a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.
2.
We are total hero's, completely and to the T. Maybe it sounds egotistical but this is my blog and I get to say what I feel and think.
a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or hasperformed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal
5. Grieving a loss
I am amazed with the times I go through this loss. I feel the exact same as you.
6. Baby hungry
I agree, give me my family now. I want it the way that I have always wanted. This is my dream. Always has been. I am a hopeless romantic to the core and I first want that dreamy husband and that beautiful baby wrapped in a blanket for me to hold and stay awake with for hours and listen for the cry at church and to watch get on the bus for the first day of school. I want to walk through the grocery store and people to tell me how beautiful my baby is. I want my husband to push the stroller and me to hold his arm and go on walks. I want that, I crave it.
I love you Brooke- Keep opening up, keep healing. Keep on keeping on. I am here for you daily, hourly and by the minute.
I wish we could go to dinner and a movie. Thanks for being so sweet to me through such a hard time of my life and yet a beautiful time. I love you.
Love mama alice
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
I was a doula, kinda
page views 3596 amazing
I didn't know anything about birth before baby boy and really still don't that is why I am going to get reading so I can be a better doula for my cousin. I don't know if I ever picked a name for her. We will pick the letter J. So, J was there for the birth of baby boy. SO many memories of that. Getting to the hospital and laying on the ground in the parking lot to endure a contraction and then getting to the floor for having babies and then kneeling on a chair for a contraction. Then in the room... in the tub then pushing on my back (amazing), then the birth with watching this sweet boy coming out arms and legs open, here I am! That is what I remember.
I am really excited for J and her birth. Her husband will be there and we are going to help her have her birth experience.
This is a great website that I found
http://birthingbeautifulideas.
SO I really loved having J involved with my birth because
1. I was more calm, she is a VERY calm and collective woman and she helped me be calm and collective.
2. Although I was nervous having her have to see my NAKED body it wasn't to much of a big deal. I mean really, birth is beautiful.
3. Having someone care about me to go to ALL the appointments with me, so I never felt alone. I didn't have a husband to come so I had my She daddy.
4. She went to all my Lamaze classes- SHE IS AMAZING!
5. Pushing on my back for 5 hours with all her strength then me saying push harder. I read that the uterus is putting 387 pounds of pressure on the body to get the baby out. AMAZING.
Honestly ever since she helped me have baby boy I have wanted to be there for her if she wanted me.
She had her class on Saturday and I was out of state and I feel bad that I couldn't go so we could practice the breathing. I hope her and her husband are practicing. I guess I should go up and practice that with her... it is an important thing to do.
I feel like the best way to be a support is to know the birth plan. She sent that to me today.
This is what I'm imagining/hoping for.
I didn't know anything about birth before baby boy and really still don't that is why I am going to get reading so I can be a better doula for my cousin. I don't know if I ever picked a name for her. We will pick the letter J. So, J was there for the birth of baby boy. SO many memories of that. Getting to the hospital and laying on the ground in the parking lot to endure a contraction and then getting to the floor for having babies and then kneeling on a chair for a contraction. Then in the room... in the tub then pushing on my back (amazing), then the birth with watching this sweet boy coming out arms and legs open, here I am! That is what I remember.
I am really excited for J and her birth. Her husband will be there and we are going to help her have her birth experience.
This is a great website that I found
http://birthingbeautifulideas.
SO I really loved having J involved with my birth because
1. I was more calm, she is a VERY calm and collective woman and she helped me be calm and collective.
2. Although I was nervous having her have to see my NAKED body it wasn't to much of a big deal. I mean really, birth is beautiful.
3. Having someone care about me to go to ALL the appointments with me, so I never felt alone. I didn't have a husband to come so I had my She daddy.
4. She went to all my Lamaze classes- SHE IS AMAZING!
5. Pushing on my back for 5 hours with all her strength then me saying push harder. I read that the uterus is putting 387 pounds of pressure on the body to get the baby out. AMAZING.
Honestly ever since she helped me have baby boy I have wanted to be there for her if she wanted me.
She had her class on Saturday and I was out of state and I feel bad that I couldn't go so we could practice the breathing. I hope her and her husband are practicing. I guess I should go up and practice that with her... it is an important thing to do.
I feel like the best way to be a support is to know the birth plan. She sent that to me today.
This is what I'm imagining/hoping for.
I get to the hospital and we walk around as long as possible. Maybe hang out with the ball for a while until I want to sit down. Then I'd like to go in the tub for a while. I hope to stay in the water until I'm getting ready to push. Today I spoke with the doctor and he said one way to help prevent tears is to breathe a lot during the pushing rather than pushing too hard/quickly. I hope to be able to do that. I also want to push in an upright position to try to avoid tearing. Maybe leaning over the squatting bar on the end of the bed.
I have a picture I'm bringing for a focal point. It's a picture of an ocean wave. I read something about finding music that helps you "ride the waves of contractions." I think this imagery will help me to deal with the pain, knowing that the contractions will come and go and will not last forever. I have some meditative music I plan to play. I hope that when I'm going through tough contractions that you and (husband) will help me by pushing on my back and talking me through them, taking a big cleansing breath at the beginning and saying things like (very, very softly), "It's building. You can do this... Okay you're about halfway through/over the peak... Almost done. You're doing great... Okay, breathe..." and finishing with a cleansing breath. I think having that coaching, soft voice guiding me along will help me feel supported and strong.
I need to type up what happened..... it was magical! I will soon. ;)
I need to type up what happened..... it was magical! I will soon. ;)
It is February and I HAVE NOT WRITEN THIS DOWN. I am bummed with myself.
What is interesting is how I could imagine what was coming.
My cousin did amazing.
I saw her birth a baby.
I was almost perfect with the timing.
I am not good at watching people in pain but I LOVED being apart of her night. I knew she could have a baby without pain meds and she did amazing. I watched the baby come out and it was seriously something I don't think is describeable but it was the most spiritual, beautiful, touching, and amazing thing. She is my hero. She went from a 6 to a 10 in 30 minutes.
I got to hold him before her husband. She held him first then the nurses then me. I got to hold him. It was incredible!
Thank you for letting me wittiness such a miracle. Made my life that much better. I love you
What is interesting is how I could imagine what was coming.
My cousin did amazing.
I saw her birth a baby.
I was almost perfect with the timing.
I am not good at watching people in pain but I LOVED being apart of her night. I knew she could have a baby without pain meds and she did amazing. I watched the baby come out and it was seriously something I don't think is describeable but it was the most spiritual, beautiful, touching, and amazing thing. She is my hero. She went from a 6 to a 10 in 30 minutes.
I got to hold him before her husband. She held him first then the nurses then me. I got to hold him. It was incredible!
Thank you for letting me wittiness such a miracle. Made my life that much better. I love you
a new best friend
I got the best compliment last week.
the adoptive mom lost her best friend and she said to me, I thought I do have a best friend, you.
Those weren't her exact words because I forgot to write it down and but that was the idea.
The other thing is she just called me because this the time she would normally call her best friend.
Her best friend was our mutual friend. It has been really really tough losing her. She was amazing, our friend. I love them both and can't wait to play ring around the rosy with them in heaven.
Life is hard. Life is full of ups and downs. Loosing baby boy then my x was really hard and loosing her is for sure hard.
Grieving is a familiar feeling. I have done this lots. Right now, where am I? I think I am back to denial. Or something. I just can't really believe it. I miss her, this lovely angel in my life.
Writing and music is how I heal. On my real blog I am writing up a STORM but I just can't seem to get over things. I can't get over the friend I had in common with the adoptive mom had to die. It really crushes me. Our friend would love that we are growing closer because of it. She would LOVE that but she would want to be here. What is life like after this life? Why do we have to be alone, I know she is with us. I want to run to her husband and wrap my arms around him. Oh that poor single dad. He said the other night, I am not a very good mother.
I don't think anyone thinks, I am a great mother. I think we are always progressing. I want to see life in the next year and see where he is. I want to see my life for heavens sake.
the adoptive mom lost her best friend and she said to me, I thought I do have a best friend, you.
Those weren't her exact words because I forgot to write it down and but that was the idea.
The other thing is she just called me because this the time she would normally call her best friend.
Her best friend was our mutual friend. It has been really really tough losing her. She was amazing, our friend. I love them both and can't wait to play ring around the rosy with them in heaven.
Life is hard. Life is full of ups and downs. Loosing baby boy then my x was really hard and loosing her is for sure hard.
Grieving is a familiar feeling. I have done this lots. Right now, where am I? I think I am back to denial. Or something. I just can't really believe it. I miss her, this lovely angel in my life.
Writing and music is how I heal. On my real blog I am writing up a STORM but I just can't seem to get over things. I can't get over the friend I had in common with the adoptive mom had to die. It really crushes me. Our friend would love that we are growing closer because of it. She would LOVE that but she would want to be here. What is life like after this life? Why do we have to be alone, I know she is with us. I want to run to her husband and wrap my arms around him. Oh that poor single dad. He said the other night, I am not a very good mother.
I don't think anyone thinks, I am a great mother. I think we are always progressing. I want to see life in the next year and see where he is. I want to see my life for heavens sake.
"Wings"(Single Digital Version)
Sunlight comes creeping in
Illuminates our skin
We watch the day go by
Stories of all we did
It made me think of you
It made me think of you
Under a trillion stars
We danced on top of cars
Took pictures of the stage
So far from where we are
They made me think of you
They made me think of you
Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives
I'm in a foreign state
My thoughts they slip away
My words are leaving me
They caught an aeroplane
Because I thought of you
Just from the thought of you
Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives
If these wings could fly
Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives
Illuminates our skin
We watch the day go by
Stories of all we did
It made me think of you
It made me think of you
Under a trillion stars
We danced on top of cars
Took pictures of the stage
So far from where we are
They made me think of you
They made me think of you
Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives
I'm in a foreign state
My thoughts they slip away
My words are leaving me
They caught an aeroplane
Because I thought of you
Just from the thought of you
Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives
If these wings could fly
Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives
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