http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html?referrer=https://www.google.com/

I sent this to myself a few months ago and never blogged about it

25 Things to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone Living with Infertility

To Say:

1. 
   Let them know that you care. The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care.
2. Do your research. Read up about infertility, and possibly treatments or other family building options your friend is considering, so that you are informed when your friend needs to talk.
3. Act interested. Some people don’t want to talk about infertility, but some do. Let them know you’re available if they want to talk.
4. Ask them what they need. They may also appreciate if you ask them what the most helpful things to say are.
5. Provide extra outreach to your male friends. Infertility is not a woman’s-centric issue; your male friends are most likely grieving silently. Don’t push, but let them know you’re available.
6. When appropriate, encourage therapy. If you feel your friend could benefit from talking to a professional to handle his or her grief, suggest therapy gently. If you go to therapy regularly, or ever have, share your personal story.
7. Support their decision to stop treatment. No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. 
8. Remember them on Mother's and Father’s Day. With all of the activity on Mother's Day and Father’s Day, people tend to forget about those who cannot become mothers and fathers. Remember your infertile friends on these days; they will appreciate knowing that you haven't forgotten them.
9. Attend difficult appointments with them. You can offer to stay in the waiting room or come into the appointment with them. But the offer lets them know how committed you are to supporting them. 
10. Watch their older kids. Attending appointments may be difficult if they have older kids at home.
11. Offer to be an exercise buddy. Sometimes losing weight is necessary to make treatments more effective. If you know they are trying to lose weight, you could offer to join them because it would help you achieve your personal fitness goals as well. 
12. Let them know about your pregnancy. But deliver the news in a way that lets them handle their initial reaction privately – email is best.

Not To Say:

1. Don't tell them to relax. Comments such as "just relax" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
2. Don't minimize the problem. Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. 
3. Don't say there are worse things that could happen. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Different people react to different life experiences in different ways.
4. Don't say they are not meant to be parents. “One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, ‘Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother.’” Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
5. Don't ask why they are not trying IVF. Because most insurance plans do not cover IVF treatment, many are unable to pay for the out-of-pocket expenses. Infertility stress is physical, emotional, and financial.
6. Don't push adoption or another solution. So often infertile couples are asked, “Why don’t you just adopt?” The couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision or chose another family building option.
7. Don’t say, “You’re young, you have plenty of time to get pregnant.” Know the facts. It’s recommended that women under 35 see a fertility specialist after being unable to conceive for one year. Being young increases your chance of fertility treatments working, but it does not guarantee success.
8. Don't gossip about your friend's condition. For some, infertility treatments are a very private matter, which is why you should respect your friend’s privacy. 
9. Don't be crude. Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like, "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
10. Don't complain about your pregnancy. For many facing infertility, it can be hard to be around other women who are pregnant. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Not complaining can make things a little easier for your friend. 
11. Don’t question their sadness about being unable to conceive a second child. Having one child does not mean a couple feels they have completed their family. Also, a couple may have had their first child naturally and easily but are now experiencing secondary infertility - infertility that comes after you’ve already had a child. 
12. Don’t ask whose “fault” it is. Male or female factor. Just because a friend has told you he or she is experiencing infertility as a couple, does not mean he or she wants to discuss the details.
13. On the other hand, don’t assume the infertility is female factor. 1/3 of infertility is female factor, 1/3 is male factor, and 1/3 is unexplained

I am not perfect at any of these and more then anyone hopes for P to have a sibling. I am always sending my love to this lovely family. I also am so confused by the emotions that someone living with infertility go through.

I don't know how to always be so good at the dos and how to avoid the don'ts.

XO

having a baby after placing

I don't know if I have talked about this but it has been on my mind because I have had a friend messaging me about it.

It is kinda weird having a baby for you and your family after you have placed a baby. There is a certain emotional wall that has to be put up during placing. Like with P, I always called him baby pop rocks or baby boy. After the first year with P being placed I feel like the worst was behind me but a lot of the "triggers" are our there that you start to turn off. like for me.
I didn't like seeing
1. anyone with babies, especially boys and especially boys P's age
2. Seeing happy couples
3. going to family parties. ( I have a relatively large family and we do family gatherings and I hated going)

Those were the main things. Then as you see them more and more and more your heart gets a little harder and little more hard.

After meeting my husband C and marrying him then getting pregnant on our honeymoon it was pretty CRAZY! I was not a happy camper about it. I felt that shame and guilt again even though I was married. It was ALOT of mixed feelings I felt bad about. Here is was going to have a baby with my husband and I didn't like telling people I was prego, I didn't like people asking me about it and I didn't want to talk about it. THANK GOODNESS I had a husband that was willing to be the best cheerleader ever. He was SO excited he couldn't contain himself. That helped me get excited but I still went to the Dr's and kinda wanted to look around to see if everyone was married or was in my shoes years ago.

I am blessed it gave me a perspective that I will really never be able to replicate. That is a positive.

So those were my first emotions. It was needless lonely and hard. It was a challenge I didn't expect.

I also had the toll of having a INSANE step daughter that was in her TERRIBLE TWOS and that was hopeless too.  (she is now SO much better and really quite the angel but at the time I thought what were we thinking)

I don't regret having little E but it was hard going through such MIXED emotions.

Then came the challenge of preparing to be a mom. I don't remember exactly when this happened but it was also really quite an emotional challenge internally. I didn't really want to talk about it but I was BEYOND a protective mother but then what if he was born and I wasn't? I kept asking C my hubs about this and he kept telling me that he went through the same emotions with his daughter but he was right there to cheer me on hard core.

1. how was I going to breastfeed- I knew I wanted to but wow.
2. how were we going to wake through the night, I loved sleep
3. what about my relationship with my hubs, was that going to change how could we prevent that
4. what if I felt an emotional disconnect?

I never thought of post partum depression. I thought, if I could make it through placing a baby, I could make it through ANYTHING.

I got so much advice about being prego which cracks me up still because not many people know that I placed a baby.

The world really helped prepare me. Stanger's or acquaintances started asking me things. Baby room, this that. People asking oh is it your first baby.

Okay- one quick birth mom rant. I feel like "birth moms" are discredited because they didn't raise the baby. Yet all the emotions to scientifically connect you to the baby is there but you don't have that sweet baby to kiss, feed, change, hold.. I wonder how moms that loose (baby dies) their babies feel about this. are they not moms because they lost their baby? Maybe I am the only birth mom that feels like this.. who knows.

One other thing is round two is COMPLETELY different then round one. Having the baby, different. Emotions, different. I think that is for everyone having their second baby but

This is all that I want to write for now.

Merry Christmas

I can’t explain all the emotions that I have through the Christmas season or use to without little P. It was really hard. This year with baby E has been the best year for Holidays and stuff. I honestly didn’t buy him anything to open on Christmas and didn’t feel it was important to do it because I just don’t think a baby who is 7.5 months really cares. We did buy him this little Zoo thing a few weeks ago and then the day after Christmas we got him a huge dog that he saw and started smiling/laughing at. Parents can’t help that sometimes.

 

There is my light for you. I think I will forever have a loss of not having little P but having my own family and child really makes up for it in a little way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We had the BEST Christmas eve with J, C and P. It was just my hubs and our baby. We went over and gave P a tank and army guys that E gave him and then a couple Christmas books that I love. I got the same books for E. (okay I guess I got him some things haha) We chatted a bit and C took care of little E. Oh he loves her. Then J rode with my hubs and E and I rode with C and P and we went to Wingers for dinner. It was so nice. J carried baby E and my hubs said he wanted to. They are so good with kiddos and make us so happy with how much they love on little E and want to hold him. They say they are getting their baby fix. They told us they want to watch E for us for either dinner or outing or overnight and my goodness, are they saints or what? My hubs of course told them overnight. HAHAHAH that stinker.

 

My sweet C has lost her dad this year and the holidays are SO tough. They really are when we lose someone. At dinner my hubs asked C if she was mad at him. He is SO honest. She told him no and held back tears as she told us it has been a rough season. (she told me in the car, I teared up but didn’t cry) isn’t she so sweet and tender. I love her heart. I love my hubs too because he reached out and side hugged her.

 

I really have been hard on my husband and he has “repented and come to Jesus” he and Jeff worked things out. Very nice to have a husband who is so open and feels like this relationship is normal and fun. We really are lucky to have such a great relationship.

 

Okay P-

You are growing up so fast and sassy and it is so fun. I played army and police with you and it was so funny. You are very imaginative and happy. It is so fun to watch you feed baby brother E and be so attentive to him. You are such a great brother. I love you sweet boy, Merry Christmas. I hope you grow to love those books like we do.  

Depression and Infertility

This is a pretty unique blog post but I really want to be able to remember this and look back on and learn from it. I feel like being a birth mom my sweet adoptive mom C was SUCH a support. God was in it because every time that I would start to think about something she would call me and say, I have been thinking about this and it would be an answer to a prayer of my heart. Our relationship isn't short of miracles and events that show that we are love by another and our God. Our God is a great God.

 

C wrote this awesome post on her facebook the other day:

 

 "If anyone wants to talk about depression or depression that comes from infertility, I'm here for you! I struggle with both. It helps me to talk to others who struggle. And if anyone who doesn't understand about depression, but would like to, I will share with you how it feels. It's much better to ask than to assume. There are certain words and phrases that are beyond helpful for someone with depression, and then their are many that hurt deeply. Just ask. I haven't met anyone that hasn't been touched by people genuinely wanting to understand how they feel."

 

 

 (also shared a video- https://www.facebook.com/lds.jeffrey.r.holland/videos/913062948802516/?pnref=story )

 

 

I reached out to her through text asking her questions and she responded with this and she gave me permission to share it to my blog. 

 

 

"You are definitely a huge support. I suffer from depression, but had it pretty under control, but the infertility has exacerbated it to a whole other level. So some triggers for general depression, for me at least, are stress, hungry, disappointment from other people, perfectionism plays a big part, and the LDS culture of being happy, praying for miracles, talks on joy and the comparing that happens ALL THE TIME. 

For infertility, all of those things are hard still, but huge triggers are seeing pregnant people, seeing kids and babies, having people talk about miracles happening, when they don't know.  Seeing people complain about their kids (which sometimes I vent about P and I get that, but when people complain rather than talking about the beauty of the child, that is what hurts). Seeing and hearing about horrible parents who abuse their children in so many ways is the hardest thing. I think anyone and everyone has issues with that, but it really messes with your mind when those people get kids and you don't. It really makes you question what you did wrong. (That goes back to the miracle idea. It will happen if you are faithful. That saying Is full of shame and doubt. I try to never use that in lessons or even taking to people because life can be a bitch sometimes.) 

Another huge one is when I hear that family members or friends are pregnant from other people and they didn't want to tell me because they are nervous of how it makes me feel, I want them to think about how it would make me feel hearing about it from a stranger or in a large group. It's so much better to tell a person with infertility before announcing it so they can work through emotions in private and can be genuinely happy for the other person. My counselor is pregnant and we talk about infertility a lot, but I was so happy that she told me so that I could be happy for her and move on.

So, these are things that are appropriate to say to someone with depression:

Do's:

That sucks!

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. 

I am here for you. 

What do you need?

Then here is what people should do. 

1.Genuinely ask questions about how to help or understand.

2. Visit their home or just drop something off

3. Sit next to them

4. Always say hello

5. When you ask how they are doing, wait and give them a chance to give them an honest answer

6. Don't get offended when they don't respond or talk about it or to you. Just keep doing basic things and be respectful of their feelings.

Do not say:

I get that, unless you actually do

Things will work out

Be happy

Think positive

Remember to pray

Have faith

Get out of bed

Do something 

Do nots:

Ignore

Hide things

Pretend like nothing is wrong

Exclude them from invitations because you fear it might make them feel uncomfortable

Force them to do something

Not give them alone time when needed or being too pushy

Then there is infertility. Pretty much all of the previous comments apply. 

I was so happy that a woman in relief society stopped me and told me she was so happy to see me there. I LOVE this lady. She is simple and poor. She has a hard life, but keeps going. I told her a little about why I couldn't go to RS all the time since there are so many pregnant women, new babies, good news minute and most of he lessons had something to do about parenthood. And all she said was, "That sucks!" Nothing else. And those two words were so refreshing. She didn't try to cheer me up or make things better. She just mourned with me and made me feel like it was ok to feel the way I felt. And ya know what, she makes me want to go. 

PS I don't hate when people are pregnant, it is just a trigger for anyone dealing with infertility. But, I'm still excited for them. It just takes me a while to process it and jealousy happens, but I have to just go with it and feel it so I can be happy about it."


Isn't it so nice to read this. I love it because we forget.

I of course am trying to see it from my eyes and how I relate and I can't help but remember Charity saying that the emotions and feeling that we go through as birth moms are similar to adoptive families. I really keep seeing that over and over as our relationship continues to grow and expound. The first year after having P I would kinda hate seeing kids/families/babies/couples in love or whatever. It was hard to be happy for them but I did feel happy for my friends. I skipped lots of family parties because I just didn't want to be with anyone else but my sad self. Grief is HORRIBLE and loss is horrible too. There is a sting that can't be taken away.

I am shocked at things that people say to birth moms as I am one, shocked at things people say to those who are dealing with infertility.

I love my C for sharing these with us.

I feel like she is teaching us the virtue of charity. I need to listen up. I need to ask her what I can do on a day to day basis to help her. Cause I do want to.

LOVE YOU ALL

Mama Alice

can't sleep. Emotion filled

Lots of emotions over here for me. I should be sleeping but I can't. I am embarrassed and humiliated by my own spouse. I don't understand him sometimes and this is one of those times I am just upset. Saturday night P, J and C came over for dinner. My cousins came over too. It was great. My cousins left because their babe wouldn't fall asleep and then it was the 6 of us. 

Out of nowhere it seemed my husband turned to J and C and said, "I wish I had your problem." Meaning I wish I couldn't have kids. J and C haven't came out with why they can't have kids as far as I know and it isn't mine to tell their story but my husband said this. 

Immediately after he said it I said that was insensitive and the feeling of the whole room changed and it was now depressing feeling.  He looked at C and J and C said that was rude... my husband apologized and then said please change the subject...

I haven't realized this but it hurt my feelings- one because why would he publicly say he doesn't like our child. His daughter who has come over frequently hating us I can understand.... she can be your "mistake" but our baby! two, does he not like parenting with me? Ouch. hurt.

Does he really feel this way? I feel like all "jokes" or statements seem to have a bit of truth in them....

I have been thinking about it over and over yesterday but just not talking about it. 

I have really read lots of blogs about families that can't have children. IT IS SO SAD. I am grateful for them opening themselves up for lots of pain because telling everyone one of your most senstive subjects is not fun. 

I send all my love to C and J. They are an amazing couple, amazing parents and I wish I could do more to help them but for me, I love being a mom. I love it every morning, afternoon and night. Even the middle of the night. Placing P was one of the hardest things I will ever do. Watching him be raised without me isn't always easy but it is the right thing. Having little E is the best thing that could ever be. 

Things not to say to people who are going through infertility.

1. I wish I had your problem

2. Isn't it nice you didn't have to go through labor...

Anything close to being grateful for any pain you didn't have to go through. 

I am really not sure of other things they go through but those are big ones. 

mucho love to my friends C and J. Life is tough. Hang in there, the sunshine is coming. 

openness

Most people are so baffled by open adoption, honestly I don't really get it. Well, that is a lie, I use to be the same way and I use to think that I wanted a closed adoption.

side note as I type this little e is trying to eat my hands, his hands and everything. he is sitting on my lap and I am bouncing him as I type.

 okay so openness. It is strange right. I think because I have never really seen adoption from a birth mom. I don't think really anything is ever going to be in aggreance about what a birth mom feels or anyone for that matter because we are all different.

I can't help but compare adoption to animals. Have any of you seen this video?




I watched this and thought of being a birth mom. I hate that feeling of buying life. Buying a dog. I have such a hard time with it. Buying. That is why I won't ever be able to sell pups. I remember when I was a teenager and my dog had pups and we sold all but one of them... she got ran over by a truck later and she never ever chased trucks before then. I think now it was suicide of a broken heart. She wasn't the same dog after, she was so grouchy and angry. Can you blame her?

That is why birth moms have to be 100% no regrets.

Yes, of course someday we will get a dog but I have crazy feelings about it. Maybe we will adopt because there are so many abandoned animals. THAT BREAKS MY HEART. BIG TIME.

So why are we so open? For the health of it. :) It is so easy. Natural and we keep the golden rules. Being honest. Communication and we have boundaries that we respect. There are other things with that but those are the 3 that come to mind-

I could write about 8 million more things but time is up-


Mama Alice.

Upgrading to initials

I know big steps are happening over here but things are getting out of control with having to say so many things and when I use to feel so secretive about this blog I would say this is a step forward for me in being more open about my secret life. Though I do feel it is sacred. Secret and Sacred. So if I have shared this with you or anyone that I love has shared this with you, you are important to us. I really only write what I feel in my heart.

Ironically the song, "I bet my life on you" Gosh I love that sweet blonde hair boy born years ago. This was all for him and for me. I honestly don't know if he will ever read this or even have the desire but if he does, he will know of my love, pain and care I have for him and his family. I will never stop loving that sweetie.

Okay- here we go. I am going to do this in alphabetical order.

A- me- I am Mama Alice. It is my pen name.

C- My husband. We were married in 2015 on the 15th. :) He is mine and he is good.

C- P's mom. She is my sweet baby boy's adoptive mom. She is incredible, nothing short of it.

E- My sweet baby with my hubs. He was born in 2016. He has two half siblings. :)

J-  P's dad. He is P's adoptive dad. He has a kind heart that is naive in a way that is genuine.

P- This is the sweet baby that was born in 2013 & was adopted & sealed to is parents February 2014.

S- My step daughter. Born in 2013 and loves this awesome family.



These are the main peeps.