when does it end

Health update.

Yesterday I went home for my lunch as any other day. I have been feeling so good. I have taken the meds off and on and it has been affecting my sleep schedule. Who knew when I would be taking sleeping pills basically every 6 hours that I would not be able to sleep. BAHHH. So I just have been waking up a lot, trying to get my 8 hours. I mostly just lay in my bed from 10-12 and then fall asleep around 11:45. I wake up a lot in the night and just lay there for an hour or two too. It is not fun, not at all. So I have been averaging about 6-7 hours of sleep at night when in my first tri I slept about 10-12 hours at night. The last time I did that was January. Those were the days. Wake up rested.


OKAY so yesterday I went for my lunch and warmed up a piece of pizza. Ate the pizza, was thinking I want round two. Went to warm up the pizza got a woof of something and then I felt that cringe in my stomach that I was going to loose it. I went into the bathroom threw everything up. It took about ten really good throws ups to get rid of everything. I laid down on the bathroom floor and waited till I could sit up again and then went and ate my second piece of pizza I just warmed up, drank some carbonation and felt tons better, or at least didn't throw up.

Mind you I am on week 18 and will be week 19 on Monday. I mean come on pals. It is Friday and I have been feeling so constipated and have been. Usually I am REALLY regular. So far I have been chugging tea and sleeping with a heat pad on my tummy every night. It really helps me to sleep. I went to the bathroom for the first time in like 3 days. My tummy is still killing me. SO TMI but oh well that is the beauty of blaming everything on Alice.

I have to say one more thing, the family. I don't have good code name for them. My favorites are hard to give code names too. Like guy friend, he doesn't have a code name, nothing fits as well as his name and I don't want to use his name because then I will be tempted to use all his nick names, which are so sweet and tender.

The family wants to use Alice as a middle name or first name... so sweet and fitting because lets be honest Miss baby has been the reason for the blog.

It really feels like a miracle GROWING A HUMAN! It has been a lot easier to deal with everything now that I have a family I like again. Thanks family.

OH and remember when the family said they would get an IUD so I wouldn't have to worry about her getting pregnant. I wish I could do something that nice. IT IS SO NICE!! I can't tell you how nice that is. Words don't describe, it's like they are singing carols on my door, giving me my favorite treats, blowing me kisses as I am sitting in a hot tub with a smoothie... (i love those things) IT IS SO FEEL GOOD. It is like spirit to spirit feel good.

I guess constipation is a thing of the days.

I just drank my strawberry, peach, cranapple juice smoothie and loved it. I would have made you one if you were here.

I think there are mis spells and blahhh but this isn't that interesting to write about.

I will say last night good friend was there for me at ONE AM! I was sick not feeling good and he sent me a picture so I called him and he talked and then I fell asleep and that was a nice treat. I am such a forgiver. Who knew?

Played 5 times while writing the blog. I love repeating songs. A LOT!!
I love Pink and Fun.
http://youtu.be/OpQFFLBMEPI

time will tell

It is emails like these that make my heart feel big again and feel like I can finish out the week!

"I know this is like my 5th email to you today but I just read your blog post and HAD to write to you :( I'm so sad for you and wish I could come there right now and give you a hug! Please know that we love you and want to be here for you. When I say that right now I worry that you might think I only say that because you're still considering us and haven't officially picked us yet, but really really really we love and want to be here for you. Earlier today I was talking to (HUSBAND) and telling him how I'm worried about you thinking we'll just disappear if you decide not to have us as baby's family. I want you to know that even if you decide to find another family we're still here for you if you need/want us :) Granted, of course I hope there doesn't end up being a need for you to find another family :)

I'm so sorry (JOHN) has been so awful. It really makes me feel queasy. I wish he was at least nicer to you or at least less...bleh. Everything will be okay. Everything will be good."

She wrote me exactly what I needed to hear. How can I not love them and think this is meant to be?

I remember when I "broke up with" my other family and when they told me no because of whatever reasons. I just was so hurt by it and it just STUNG my heart. I cried for the first time and I haven't cried since. I almost cried 2 weeks ago when I was leaving my guy friend but it seems like that was a waste I mean quote. he said this to me... 

"Alice, everyone just can't drop everything they are doing just because you got pregnant" AND "I am not your baby daddy or your boyfriend"

Well it stinks to be you guy friend who I once loved because that has really pinched my heart and it is good to know how he feels about everything. It still makes me a little bit sad but I am also happy that I have my family I LOVE. I can't tell you how much I feel an instant change. Later in the email she said I can email anytime. I just really like to express myself in email. Like we all know because I have been really typing a lot on my blog ever since. 

What I said to the guy friend only a friend, not a boyfriend or a baby daddy grrr is I just love the connection we have and I know that you know how I feel about everything. Nobody knows how sometimes if just is stinking when  someone doesn't CLICK with what you are feeling.

I am happy and my heart feels warm. 

I just know I am not alone. God loves me although he isn't a human in the flesh I know the Spirit tells me. 

Cheers to being happy!!!!

Valentines this year.. BOO! 

The guy friend kept saying things like "Alice you need to focus on the baby, not love"

Well, this is VERY HARD to go through MR guy and the next time you need someone I hope nobody comes because just because you had yadda yadda happen doesn't mean everyone can drop what they are doing for you.

Okay, I don't mean that. I don't want anyone as sad and alone as I felt Sunday night. 

XOXOOXOXOXO

What's funny is the guy friend isn't my boyfriend or my baby daddy but he makes me more sad then any of my other friends and defiantly more sad then the baby daddy. The baby daddy makes me temporarily angry. It has been 3 days and I am trying to get over the whole friend thing. 

Grrrr.

I really am doing well. I curled my hair today and I am ready for life!

Okay, I just texted him.

Alice- Miss you already

Him- miss you already too

Alice- lol ohhhhh why do the things you say sting so hard. I cant help but keep repeating those things in my head and heart

Him- ohh Alice! I didn't mean to be rude or hurt you. Sorry

Alice- ..... I know

Well readers, all 99 of you. I have no idea who all of you are, thanks for reading. I hope you will forever be kind to the girl who gets prego and realize she doesn't want to be a burden, just be validated and have some empathy. I you can't give it to her. Send her to me. I am learning from the best. 

"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

I must say, somethings in life aren't easy.

John is SO SO SO annoying and hard to work with. Back in November I told him I wanted to be the one to tell my best friend (I have a lot of best friends) and the past week I have been thinking about how I feel like she knows. Well her husband and John were roommates at college and played football together. What do you know I asked him this.

I do have a question for you. Did you tell Best friends husband or best friend? ( I am not going to substitute their names.)

He responded
I'll overlook the fact that you didn't answer my question on when I can know the sex of the baby and that you did not acknowledge my request to see an ultrasound photo of my own child. But yes, I have talked to best friends husband and he told his wife because he thought I was joking at first.

First, Johnny boy have you thought maybe you should Google that?

For all of those who don't know, it is at 20 weeks.

Today I am 18 weeks and one day. WAHOO.

It was actually a great experience talking to my bestie about things and even though I felt like John went behind my back and did that after he said he would let me tell them. I am feeling better about things and we talked for about 3 hours and it felt like 30 minutes. What a relief. She might be coming with me to meet the family.

WHY DO I KNOW SO MANY PEOPLE?
So the families caseworker is a girl I met when I was 15, I think I was 15... I dunno at a church camp.

She wrote me the nicest email saying she wouldn't judge me or tell a soul. I don't see her as the judging type but it is comforting that she isn't going to tell anyone. I am happy I know her but it is just one more thing for me.

I DO like that though because the family I have been talking to has been financially and emotionally scammed by girls. Girls, that is making all of us have a bad name.

HARD THINGS STINK!!

I just got off the with my guy friend who took the prego test, he just told me that I need to realize that everyone can't be willing to talk just at anytime and I am going to have to realize that other people have lives.

HE MAKES ME SO MAD. I am not telling him anything anymore. He said this too, I am not your boyfriend and I am not the baby daddy so i can't deal with things all the time. I am so sad. So sad. It is like I am loosing him over this.

Overall I have been a tad bit emotional. I just don't know where to turn. I really do know that everyone has busy lives. It is just sad to go through this alone.

I can't even explain how alone I feel....it will work out and as the song that is on my pandora right now

"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

Thanks Kelly Clarkson

is life a box of chocolates?

I have been pondering that question for years. Ever since I watched the movie it is quoted in. Forrest Gump. I have thought and thought about it and I completely agree, life is a box of chocolates. I would have no idea that little ol me would one day have broken the law of chastity and be pregnant with a baby but that is the chocolate I have chosen and I reap the consequences. 

I have always thought that I would be willing to have a baby for someone I just never thought that would mean being with a birth dad that is a little hard to deal with and worrying for months that he is going to get in the way of the placement and then him end up ignoring me for the better part of the first 4 months. He sure is a wild one and he has really had some unique chocolates he has chosen in his box and he is kinda mean. Good thing I don't have that emotional connection with him. 

I remember in high school we were learning about a couple that couldn't have kids then the daughters mom or the grandma got a test tube baby of the couple and she ended up having twins and then the parents raised them. I just LOVED THAT. I always thought if I knew someone couldn't have a baby, like my sister or something I would want to do that for them. 

 I was talking to the new couple that I love and adore and a little background. She is a huge blogger and shares personal stories and how she wants to adopt. I wonder how people find her.. hmm anyhow I doubt in anyway she thought that putting out all that personal information she would be yes, helping millions but there are also people who are anti adoption. Well, that is just bizarre for me. I still can't seem to wrap my mind around it. They would hunt people down who are already having a tough chocolate from the box and then try to ruin it for them. I mean COME ON PEOPLE. I would really like to talk to them. As a birth mom, you have NO idea what it is like for me, being someone who was raised with two wonderful parents and find myself in a situation that I can't give everything to the child and be an example of how God intended our lives to be. I am sure for the antis something was really hard for whatever reason they ended up in that situation (look at Cinderella, she has all the reason in the world to be mad, it is her choice to see the beauty in life) but how about people (wow, I am on a rant, no stopping me) I just wish they could find the time to heal, I would be willing to listen and help set goals so they, could be happy for me and happy for the baby that is going to be placed with two parents who love the baby and the entire family loves another. 

I was talking to my good friends mom about why I want to place ect. I just KNOW KNOW KNOW that this is what is intended for the baby. I have a full time job, I have life experience, I have a savings, I don't live pay check to pay check. I could take care of the this baby. Is that what is intended for the baby, no. I can honestly tell you that is not the intention. 

From the day I was young I said if I ever had a baby out of wedlock I wold place or marry the man. This man doesn't want to marry and he says I am way to nice to be his type. (what a compliment, right) So for me yes I did flatter his idea of raising the baby as friends but in reality that isn't what stuck with me. 

This piece of chocolate is just starting to get sweet. With each email that I write to the new couple I feel so much more love in my heart. Since week 16 I have been physically starting to feel like a rock star comparative to throwing up 14 times in a row 3 times a day or not eating for a whole day and getting super sick with anything I ate or when I was so thirsty I felt like I looked like my lips were falling off they were so dry or waking up with bleeding lips. Lets just say, feeling good is a miracle and oh so sweet.

I have had many good chocolates in my life and many chocolates that have been a little longer of a wait to feel that sweetness. 

I just know that we still must have hope. That we don't stop eating chocolate because one of them has been a bad one. We must keep going, keep moving, keep helping, keep on keeping on ;)

How are those chocolates today?

from my heart, 

Alice

1000 dollars

I like to joke but really I think of the different people who have had an influence on me and why I am pregnant. I have done nothing but try to live a life that I can find a man that I love and will love me till the end.

I have this joke that people who led me to this situation owe me 1000 dollars and that I am going to write some letters to these people. Somehow the 1000 dollars would compensate for this heart ache. Mostly it is just funny to think if I really would write these letters and ask them to send a check in the mail.

Dear x boyfriend who dated me 2 years and then bought me a ring and didn't ask me to marry you,

You owe me 1000 dollars.

Dear guy who doesn't want to date and only be friends yet will come over everyday and confess your love a little then I confess mine alot then you say you feel like I am cornering you and then we are just friends then you tell your family I am prego and then invite me out to spend a weekend with you

You owe me 1000 dollars

Dear friend that is single and must have doomed us both to being single,

You owe me a 1000 dollars

Dear birth dad who stayed up so late with me then asked if he could take my first time away when you had done that a million times and then you are a jerk and super hard to connect with and doesn't want to place the baby for adoption. 

You owe me a 1000 dollars for ten years.

Lets be honest, I got myself to this situation and I have to deal with it. I don't think that blaming anyone besides myself will get me anywhere and I need to just repent and forgive myself. I started this post a while ago and never posted it.

I was really serious about it then, I am not as much anymore.

emailing the family C

Charity wanted me to email 3 families. One family I love, the family C. I am sill nervous something will fall through with them but i am taking it easy, one day at a time. I emailed another family and just don't feel it. How do I respond with I don't feel a connection, good luck. They are adorable and have a great feeling about them but i just can't get excited about writing them back. 

I can't stop writing or thinking about the family C. 

They are just so great. I hope that after I meet them I will know in my heart. 

My body

I am feeling like the baby is getting a little bit more big. It isn't a good feeling because I was hoping I could stay hidden till May. Maybe I can? I should measure it. I just can't bring myself to do it. 

I am feeling ALOT better. Not taking my sleeping pills that my Dr prescribed me so I could eat and drink. 

this is always interesting for me to read about others, boring to fill out though...

How far along?  17 weeks and 5 days
Total weight gain/loss?  lost 20
Maternity clothes?  none
Stretch marks? none
Sleep?  8 hours, use to get 10
Movement? no..... maybe some? I dunno
Food cravings?  Vinegar was last month.... nothing currently. Does Smart water count?
Gender? unknown
Labor signs? None
Belly button in/out? In.  
What I miss: Not being sick by stuff and having to lay down so I don't throw up. Like when I was sweeping my hair up and I almost threw up and had to leave the bathroom and lay down... grrrr Normally I would just gag, if I even let myself gag I will throw up 7 times.
What I am looking forward to: Going home for a few days
Milestones: writing the new families for placing. 

Hmmm I dunoo about doing that again.. hmmm. 

17 weeks

I am goaling it up and I have emailed two new families. The last family said no.

I am feeling SO much better.

Now I am pre grieving as my caseworker says. I am thinking about the future. I won't be talking to this baby about her first date or what she wants to be or cleaning up her throw up or listening to her breath and being nervous if she is breathing. Or what if the parents don't work out and they kill another and get divorced or if they are suddenly killed in an accident. I just can't handle thinking but the caseworker says it is good.

So, I also talked to my friend Matt about finding someone to love today and who will date a prego girl or someone who placed a baby.

Oh shoot it is late i should be in bed but I really want to start blogging really good.

Matt said this.

I kinda have a different view on that. My step dad who was 30 years old married my mom who had me and my brother and we were 8 and 6. What a blessing he is to us. I love him. I have been out on dates with 3 divorced women. 2 of which had little boys. I think I would date  gal like that. Because I am a product of a wonderful man that took a chance on a lady and her two kids. So I think it would be close minded of me to not. It would be hard, but if I loved her then it would be all the same to me I would hope.


This settles my mind a little.

Oh I really want to place baby into a wonderful family with the promise I will find a man? Is that so wrong?

Maybe.

I am not throwing up as of last week.

Life is so much better.