I am not sure but I am just thinking and thinking of all these things to put in my blog but I don't want to write them in my real person blog. They are deep. It is like my heart is confused where to put them because these thoughts aren't really things to do with the baby but now I have been merging ALice and the real me. It is as if they are joining and they are hitting another over and over again.
a few thoughts and I am not sure if I can go deeper into them but here they are, I hope I can either write a whole post about them or just get it out on here so I can stop thinking about it.
- I want to think of what the adoptive mom goes through. i want to feel her and what I mean is take all the pain away so she doesn't have to but I know it is healthy to..... and know how she feels each month that she has her period and isn't prego, I want to feel her as her heart breaks when she sees a mom breast feeding her child. I want to feel her as she looks at her baby boy and he doesn't look like a carbon copy of her. (he doesn't look like me either, he is his own now, in my eyes) I want to be with her and watch her as she wakes up with her little boy and I want to hear her thoughts. I want to be with her as she defends me and and tells people I am not a slut and every other degrading name. I want to be with her as she gets to have her baby and have him teach the lesson of love
- I want to be everyone's birth mom. It breaks my heart to hear about birth moms. I want to hug everyone and tell all adoptive children how much they are loved. I LOVE YOU ADOPTIVE children. I loved you before I ever got prego but I feel like you need to know. I want you and you are LOVED times a million by me.
- I dreamt about baby and his mom. I really am grateful for that. I know she will read this eventually but I want everyone to know and I want to remember. It is HEARTBREAKING when you are counting on seeing your baby and then plans fall through and you aren't invited to see them anymore. I am still kinda crushed about it but to prideful to say anything and I want to respect their time to bond and love another and I don't want to cross boundaries.
- I have crossed my line with men twice this year and within two weeks of another and I am weak. I can't get it out of my head and I feel sick about it. I can't forgive myself and I feel terrible.
- I am through thinking about last year. It has left me. I am not sure why but I am SO grateful.
- I found a new guy friend who doesn't know about baby and he won't touch me. He said he won't for 3 months and I LOVE it. We are purely friends.
- We are going to put the baby in a pumpkin. I can't wait
- Part of me wants to feed the man and go wild and jump the fence but the commandments is what makes me free
- DON'T EVER BREAK THE LAWS GOD HAS GIVEN US. I want to write a whole post for this. I am not ready though . Today I almost convinced myself I had chlamydia. I don't. I haven't been naked with a guy since I got prego and he wasn't even naked. (am I to honest, yes! It is the Alice telling all)
- I think about if I have forgiven the birth dad. I think I named him John. I am not sure if I have or not.
- I dream about the day I babysit the baby and have a party after baby is adopted finally.
- I need to get to know the baby dad better. I want him to trust me and know my heart.
- I need to heal of men.
- I need to have a better love for myself.
- Happy birthday today to my best guy friend I love him and think of him all dad.
- Part of me thinks about being babies mom or a babies mom.... it is kinda sad not being a mom
- My cousin who said she was heart broken after I told her about baby
- Time heals all
- Porn is annoying and I wish so badly for those who are the porn stars that their hearts may be healed and those who are vigorously addicted they may have a rest from the chains satan has bound them with, all over their spirit. covered!
- I don't like to give satan credit
- I have a body and this is my test, I WILL MASTER IT eventually
- I am alone and I have a pillow to hug at night, nothing else
- Last night I met a guy who was so respectful and gave me hope. we sat up while we cuddled. SO INNOCENT! Love that
- I think i have mentioned everything
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