one year ago I got pregnant

1948 views

I don't want to be alone. I don't want to think what I was doing last year. I don't want to remember that I drove down and did something that I shouldn't have done.

I had a lady once tell me who was trying to have babies that people would say, it's prom night... I wonder if.... This was the most painful thing and part of the whole pregnancy. The conception. It is the night I think back to the most of any night through the past year. I think of the emotions, excitement and caution.

It is an EXTREMELY personal and emotional time for me. This is so different from when I am sad about the baby. The most beautiful baby is the consequence of the sin. This is about the sin. The consequence of the sin is perfect. He is cute, sweet, darling, fun, happy, healthy and everything any baby is and more. He is smart and alert and he is STRONG! He is so special.

This isn't about him. This is SO SO SO much about me.

I listen to conference and I think THIS IS SO GOOD why didn't this pierce my heart, why didn't this stop me last year. What am I missing? What is stopping me now? Why wouldn't I do it all over again?

I go to institute and.... I can't focus, I couldn't get anything out of institute this past time because I am SO focused on why I let myself do the things I did a year ago. It wasn't first degree. I had NO intentions of going to see him and sleep with him. That was NOT my intentions. I was legitimately excited to see him and see an old friend. I was heart broken and desperate. Now I think, will I do that again because last year I did and I didn't have any hesitations. I think why will I let these things change my heart even though last year I was doing the same things. I had a reminder last year to remind me to put my armor of God on by reading my scriptures. I was attending church... I was doing it all. Really, what is keeping me from it now?

I am really not through this weird stage. I think I will go through it for a while. I will keep wondering and I think it is good. I need to plant my feet in. I need to continue to have the love for myself and mostly my God that I want to keep his commandments and be true to him. There is no point in me falling again. It is just hard when I do cuddle with a boy and I feel like I have failed but I do want to cuddle with a boy...

I am setting rules for myself. I am only going to cuddle in public. I am only going to kiss a guy that wants to be my boyfriend.

I need these rules and hopefully I will find out internally how to overcome these thoughts from last year. Everyday I am reminded of last year. The smells, the weather... Last year I went to the hot springs after I got prego and what am I doing Saturday, my friends invited me to go to the hot springs again. UGH

WHEN WILL IT BE OVER!

Wednesday, November 8th was the day I found out I was prego, I better make plans for that day, today.

I am constantly making plans so I know I am never alone... it is exhausting but I feel safe.

I use to think, I am not alone, I have a baby in me and we are together. Now I am alone physically but Jesus is with me constantly. I feel Him with me.