3 months today

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I have had such a great 3 months.

July was dedicated to the sweetest little boy and he couldn't be a sweeter one. I got to see my sister, got to California, other places and morn the loss and grieve through the loss of the sweetest boy I ever had in my belly and held in my arms.

August I came back to feel and to think and to gather how to be  a birth mom and have the BUSIEST month of my life going cray cray at work.

September I learned how to be me again. How to not be sad about a baby not being with me and how to be happy. I learned that I want to start dating again and have a family.  I have been quite extremem.

October. I feel like I am doing pretty good. I don't emotionally miss him my sweet baby.

I do think things have taken a BIG turn. I am as my friend says desperate or my great friend refrased, forward in trying to find a husband.

Today....

Today his mom called and asked if I would come over. I asked when she needed me because my lunch break is VERY flexible. She said the sooner the better so I closed up shop and went to see baby for his 3 months which I wasn't anticipating.

It is almost easier to not anticipate coming over. Really it is. It makes it feel THAT much more natural.

Openness is so nice.

I love his mom, his dad, his dog, his house, the smell of his breath, the sweet expressions, the spirit he has. When I am not with him, like right now I feel his spirit. I feel what he is, will be and can be. I feel him walking in and talking when he is older and he wants a drink. I feel him as he would try out for the basketball team. I feel him as he is nervous for the first time he passes the sacrament and will bless the members of ward. I feel him being older but I CHERISH him right now.

I don't want him or me to forget how much he adored and adores his mother. He follows the sound of her voice and the whispers of her heart. He loves her and adores her so much.

I love how protective your dad is of you baby. Your daddy doesn't want me to sit to close to the fireplace in case your face burns off because, "he likes your face" Your dad called his mom to ask him about the milk you were spitting up all day and he didn't want you to be upset. He finds your patterns and memorizes you. He LOVES you. When he first saw you and even when your mom first saw you I could feel the love they have for you. They love me too and I feel it. They want you to be the happiest baby on earth and for the most part you are.

Today I got to your house and looked at you in the swing. Right when I see you I can't help but want to hug and squeeze you and kiss you. I reisited. I don't want to step on your mommy's toes. We went in the living room and I ate and talked to you and your mom. She got ready in the bathroom. I held you and we took pictures then I fed ya. Then your mama wrapped you up. Which you didn't love but once you were wrapped up you loved life. I rocked you a little and talked to your mom as she got ready and then I went in your room and we snuggled and I told you stories about why I love you as I have written and I told you how great you are and then i laid my face on your face and you fell asleep. I laid you down and felt so lucky to hold you.

Your mom has the spirit of you and just as I was laying you down she came in to help me out and tell you she loved you.

Happy 3 months sweet baby





I use to listen to this song ALL the time and think of you. my sweet baby.